January 16, 2021
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The Legend of Bloody Jack

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Aloha fellow internet residents!

Today I’m over-joyed to be discussing a movie I recently discovered on good ole netflix.com! After years and years of writing threatening letters to Hollywood…..it’s paid off! They made a movie with virtually no plot, no acting and really no story. It was such a nice change of pace from those so called “films” with continuity and basic storytelling. Hahaha okay but on a serious note this is possibly the worst movie I’ve ever seen. Yet mix this with some close friends, beer, plus talk enough shit you’ll have a good time. This little film experience is based around “Some type of lumberjack, burn victim, day laborer who needs organs to live for ever” I think. To be honest this movie couldn’t even decide if it was daytime or nighttime haha. I was a bit confused. Either way “The Burn victim day laborer” ends up running into some sad 20-somethings in the woods and bloodshed ensues. Let me break it down like this

The Good
Every Woman cast in this movie takes her boob(or boobs) out and flops um around a little on screen. Thats always a nice touch. There’s also a twist ending for no apparent reason. Like it’s next to idiotic but I can appreciate a director who makes up for bad acting and no story with a plot twist. Really this movie almost makes any problem you’re facing in this world okay. Oh and the “Lumberjack, Undead, Voodoo king, Burn Victim that works at Home Depot” also can teleport I think. So in between a twist ending and unexplained superpowers man this was a treat.

The Bad
No character was given common sense. There is no basis of time set up. It goes from night to day with no reason. Also one character boyfriend was gone for ten minutes to get firewood. She in turns decides it would probably be a good idea to cheat on him cause you know ten minutes is a long fucking time. There is also some story line tossed in about “Bloody Jacks” 4th cousin twice removed trying to revive him to find a homie. Also there’s a park ranger who’s an idiot. Ill informed Park Ranger’s upset me to no end.

The Bloody
Some dude wang gets chopped off with a pick axe while he’s peeing! Did I just give away a great scene? Sorry. If you love scene after scene of people getting chopped by an axe, this will be great for you. And I think they could only afford one prop. Also some stupid fat lady driving a crappy car dies in a funny way.

There may not be one fact about this movie thats good. It is actually similar to a car wreck…you gotta watch. I just suggest when you do your baked outta your fucking gord with friends. Don’t watch alone or the lack of plot could cause depression leading to suicide.

Thanks for Reading yo!

Release Date:

  • 02/27/2007

Company:

  • Asylum Home Entertainment

Director:

  • Todd Portugal

Distributor:

  • Asylum Home Entertainment

Cast:

  • Craig Bonacorsi, Erica Curtis, Jonathan Kowalsky, Jessica Szabo

Length:

  • 85 Minutes

Purchase:

Websites:

Reviewer:

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