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Plus 5 for Setting Your Face on Fire (Juggalo Day Recap)

17 Life Lessons Learned from Juggalo Day and Other Deep Thoughts

What do you call a midget fortune teller vigilante?

…“A small medium at large!”

Whaddup fam! It’s your resident small medium at large and always in charge, ya homegirl Madame Rachel aka “wow a chick” aka “the girl with the paintings,” reporting to you nearly two weeks late but always right on time, with an FLH recap of all the festivities and fun surrounding the Insane Clown Posse’s EPIC performance of the Great Milenko on 2/17 in Columbus, OH.

Our friends at True Juggalo Family beat us to the punch and posted their take on ICP and friends’ main stage performances on the TJF site. Rather than recap all the big-top, greatest show on earth, main stage highlights brought to you by the TJF homies, we here at FLH are opting to school you on one of the many Juggalo “sideshow” performances of J-Day.

And you might ask, “What sideshow?”

Well, every time the circus is in town, the freakshows come out, don’t they? And Juggalo Day is a holiday that spans the nation, with mini gatherings far and wide, city to city. Juggalos are constantly just looking for a reason to get together, get silly, and party, and for the past three years now, February 17th has become just that!

We here at FLH are no exception and love to partake in J-Day festivities. This year, we tried our hand at throwing our own bash for the fam. I’m talking about a little event proudly presented by the folks here at FLH and the Dark Carnival Tarot—the return of Psychopathic Records’ infamous 2000 Juggalo Scavenger Hunt, in all its glory!

Juggalo scavenger whut? Scavenger HUNT, homie! Who’s goin huntin? We’s goin huntin!

Props to J-Webb and ICP for retweetin’ our flyer

Props to J-Webb and ICP for retweetin’ our flyer

The game, originally produced by Psychopathic Records for the 2000 Gathering of the Juggalos, is epic in and of itself, as our resident Gathering veteran Scottie D will tell you. During the original 2000 event, Scottie gave up somewhere in Canada, but my O.G. Philly Juggalo homies managed to take second place and have a hilarious scrapbook of their misadventures (pre-digital camera, y’all). According to them, the scavenger hunt is hands down their favorite, most ridiculous, off-the-wall experience, in all their decades of being down with clown. So, for years, our crew has been plotting on a way to resurrect the O.G. flavor:

o.g.list

Psychopathic’s epic original 2000 Scavenger Hunt, with highlights from Team Philly

And with the help of Columbus jugga-locals Rhythmic Illusions Fire Tribe (RIFT) and this year’s reigning Miss Juggalette, the mighty Queen Serenity, we modified Psychopathic Records’ master work, using the unexpecting city of Columbus as our chess board:

FLH and the DC Tarot’s 2014 modified Scavenger Hunt, with RIFT’s address blacked out for your protection. (Don’t show up at their door; they pack “heat”! ...Get it? ;)

FLH and the DC Tarot’s 2014 modified Scavenger Hunt, with RIFT’s address blacked out for your protection. (Don’t show up at their door; they pack “heat”! …Get it? ;)

bully_free

Rachel and Queen Serenity at the RIFT headquarters—A Bully-Free Zone!

The grand prize included a sweet Faygoluvers.net care package (including merch designed by yours truly), Dark Carnival Tarot decks, glass and blunts from Bluntman’s One Stop Shop, and the creme dela creme—a nearly 4-foot tall painting of the Great Milenko, on canvas:

paintingcloseup

No Rachels were harmed in the making of this giant painting (but seriously…fuck my sleep).

‘Twas the night before Juggalo Day and the DC Tarot was in full force the halls of the Days Inn with Milenko himself (and our homie Orange Ninja in his debut “Ape Milenko” costume), handing out rule sheets. It was a bit of a spectacle and definitely difficult to miss!

Ape Milenko! Ooh ooh ooh! Ahh Ahh!

Ape Milenko! Ooh ooh ooh! Ahh Ahh!

“The Dark Carnival is your paradise parade.”

“The Dark Carnival is your paradise parade.”

FLH forum goon Barocko Jenkings: Clowning at its finest

FLH forum goon Barocko Jenkings: Clowning at its finest

“May the odds be ever in your favor.”

“May the odds be ever in your favor.”

After all the flyering and “monkeying” around was said and done, we had a blast! The turnout far exceeded our expectations. Thanks go out to all the ninjas that participated and made the night so eventful. Y’all are a creative bunch…I’ll say that much!

Our RIFT homie, Keith, performing in the snow for some scrubby scavengers on the hunt

Our RIFT homie, Keith, performing in the snow for some scrubby scavengers on the hunt

 

Now, obviously, as the promoter of the overall event, the coordinator of the DC tarot reading portion of the event, and the judge, I had my hands full all night and can only provide you with a mere glimpse into the chaos that ensued for the nearly 100 contestants and dozens of teams. I’m sure Juggalo Day, in all its glory, meant something different to everybody involved. Many, many thanks go out to everyone for their pictures and stories, AND for thoroughly entertaining me during the judging portion of the competition.

Oh and props to the Days Inn Philly Cheesesteak Grill for keeping us fed!

Yes, this happened...

Yes, this happened…

So, without further ado, the following is a list of 17 life lessons that I learned from the Juggalos in attendance that fateful J-Day eve. These are stories, pictures, and anecdotes taken from real-life scavenger hunt attendees, in the flesh. Some true life lessons are ’bout to be dropped here homies, so listen up! It’s time for some deep thoughts. We begin our countdown at number 17…

#17: Always go for broke.

When asked to perform a “flaming high five” stunt (supervised by professionals), set your face on fire instead. You will earn 5 extra points and be legendary. Your face will only slightly smell like propane and burnt hair—a pungent cologne that makes the bitches melt (quite literally).

Holy shit, you crazy fuck. You just earned +5 points.

#16: Always bribe the judge.

Always. Over the course of the evening, I received a mannequin hand, a whole cherry pie (later thrown across the room, clown style), a miniature lawn gnome, a tape deck, and a sex toy. I didn’t take the sex toy and actually considered deducting points for it (Queen Latifa, “U.N.I.T.Y” style). However, nasty ninjas or not, everyone who bribed me got extra points. It’s the way of the world folks. The way of the world.

 

Bribery = Good

Bribery = Good

#15: REAL men walk up and down the hotel halls like “Suppppp Byyaaatch”

Since Psychopathic’s original scavenger hunt asked the ladies to show some skin, we added our own little twist in the mix and were…pleasantly…surprised. Lette’s Respect. Mmhm. Work that. I’ll respect you all day long.

manthong

Presenting the newest inductee of the Mr. Juggalo Dance Team—for the sexiest, not sexist

#14. “No, you don’t necessarily have to show your nipples.”

This was probably the most repeated phrase of the evening (per “15 points for titties with Juggalo Day written on them”). However, let it be known that getting multiple possibly under-aged chicks from your place of employment (Five Guys Burgers and Fries) to send you pics of nipples and much, much more WILL earn you extra points. For somehow you are both a Scrub and a pimp. And your charisma has served you well, my friend.

titties

See that? I hooked y’all up.

#13. Always take time to flip off a historical landmark.

Why? Fuck Columbus. He aint nuthin’ but an old dead fuck with a compass.’Nuff said.

santamaria

Big Ian salutes mainstream America—Proud to be a fat kid!

#12. Don’t be afraid to fake it.

When you are required to wade in water that just so happens to be currently frozen, get on your knees and play pretend. No one will ever know.

mirrorlake

I almost couldn’t tell that he was faking it.

#11. Learn to steal a car stereo and/or brush up on Shaggy 2 Dope’s guide to crime.

Sometimes a Ringmaster cassette gets lodged in the tape deck. But you need those points. So you go to work and rip out the ENTIRE tape deck for the judge. That will get you plus 20, my friends. As a matter of fact, fuck that—plus 25.

Here’s a photo of a cassette that was NOT lodged in a stolen tape deck. Why do we always miss out on the best photo ops? Sigh...

Here’s a photo of a cassette that was NOT lodged in a stolen tape deck. Why do we always miss out on the best photo ops? Sigh…

#10. Take a walk on the wild side.

Two homies by the names of “Ninja Lotus” and “Ann-archy” walked for over an hour, all the way from the downtown bus station to the Days Inn, to partake in the scavenger hunt. They didn’t have a ride or know anybody staying at the hotel. But we hooked them up with random teammates Tyler and Jess, and it was on! It just goes to show you—if you take a chance, sometimes you find exactly the adventure that you’re looking for.

Newfound homies reppin “Team Random Ninja”

Newfound homies reppin “Team Random Ninja”

#9. Take a chance on a stranger.

Now, as indicated in #10, Ninja Lotus didn’t know even know his brand new teammate Jess, but when it was time for the flaming high five stunt, he opted to go in her place and protect her from any danger. Needless to say, she was really relieved! And that, my friends, is true Juggalo power…“Hey, I met you five minutes ago, but I’ll put myself on the line for you.” If humanity as a whole took on even a fraction of that level of loyalty and trust, we’d be living in an entirely different world indeed…

Fact: True friends set themselves on fire for you.

Fact: True friends set themselves on fire for you.

#8. Don’t ever be afraid to fly solo.

The merits of friendship and loyalty aside, on the flip side, sometimes “if you want something done, you’ve got to do it yourself.” It’s always been my motto. And so I got to shout out at least three different Lettes who traveled long distances to partake in the J-Day festivities 100% SOLO:

Single-Lette #1, Kourtney, schooled it in the scavenger hunt. She got a lot more points than most, all by her little self (with no car, even)! This chick kicks serious butt!

Kourtney kicks ass and takes names all by herself, dammit.

Kourtney kicks ass and takes names all by herself, dammit.

Single-Lette #2, Victoria, traveled all the way from a Connecticut military base to be with her Juggalo family for J-Day. No ordinary sodier, Victoria is a self-proclaimed “No-Guns Army Nerdie” and works in a biology lab that traces oil spills and holds the offending parties responsible in a court of law. (Take that BP!) She was in room 217 (2/17 being Juggalo Day), so I took that as a sign, and we paired up quick. Victoria is the shit. Much love to my new homiette, Victoria, who isn’t afraid to fly solo!

My new homie Victoria, room 217

My new homie Victoria, room 217

 

Single-Lette #3 violated some whack probation to hop on a Greyhound bus and go have fun with the Juggalos. For this reason, she shall remain nameless. (Shhh!) When I found out she took the Greyhound all by herself, I immediately had a flashback of taking the Greyhound solo to my first Gathering: It was only a few hours in before I ditched that dingy bus and hopped in a car with a group of random Juggalo kids at a rest stop. (OMG, What was I thinking back then?!) But guess what? Thankfully, I’m still friends with those kids to this day. And to pay their kindness forward, nearly 10 years later, I drove Single-Lette #3 all the way home to the East Coast. Why? Because fuck her probation officer and the Greyhound she rode in on, that’s why! Single-Lette #3 shall remain anonymous. But she’s that homie, for sure. She ain’t afraid to ride solo. Props to her for that.

#7. Embrace an unlikely ally through the power of humor. You’ll be surprised.

I think these pictures say it all. (Shout out to April for these great shots!):

Yup—That’s a fucking cop throwing up the wicked clown sign.

Yup—That’s a fucking cop throwing up the wicked clown sign.

 

...And that’s the same Juggalette sharing snacks with the homeless on a cold night.

…And that’s the same Juggalette sharing snacks with the homeless on a cold night.

#6. Respect the rules of the game

Rumor has it that two teams arrived at the Columbus, OH, Arnold Schwarzenegger statue (15 points) at the same exact time. Now, for some reason, each team mistakenly thought that the goal was to beat the other team and get to the statue first (or they would be awarded no points). A friendly showdown ensued, with team members rumbling with each other in a mad dash to the statue. The scuffle took up precious time and resources, and when all was said and done, neither team won, having not accumulated enough points to even come close to victory. Now, had they all read the rules correctly or worked collaboratively, would their destinies have changed? You decide. Bottom line: Respect the rules of the game or you might not achieve what you set out to do in the first place.

Does this statue really exist? Is yo Mutha a bald-headed freak bitch? Yes.

Does this statue really exist? Is yo Mutha a bald-headed freak bitch? Yes.

#5. Hop in the trunk.

Rumor has it that some Juggalos opted to “switch teams” periodically throughout the evening. It was reported that one ninja was spotted switching from car to car, often riding in the trunk when necessary. What was his purpose? What exactly did he set out to accomplish with all his chaotic behavior? (And what’s up with that extra thumping noise that my car makes ever since I got back from Columbus?) It remains a mystery to most…

No Juggalos were harmed in the making of this joy ride.

No Juggalos were harmed in the making of this joy ride.

#4. Life is a journey, not a destination.

But just like our trunk-hopper ninja teaches us, sometimes it’s not about winning the “prize” or “being number one.” Sometimes, the real prize is experience gained and good times had by all. At the end of the day, it’s all about the time we spend with each other and the fun we have. In the words of classic rockers Boston: “I don’t care about competition…All I want is to have my peace of mind.” (Yes, I went there.)

This is partially why the tarot reading portion of the competition was so near and dear to me. It forced folks to stop all their hustle and bustle and check in with themselves (AND their friends), on the meditative tip. For just a moment, sometimes just a few seconds, eyes shifted from the prize and our collective gaze turned inward…

...And right after this, we went back to setting ourselves on fire.

…And right after this, we went back to setting ourselves on fire.

#3. Always buddy up with the locals.

But fuck that “life is a journey” afterschool special ish. We want to WIN! These last three life lessons come straight from the source: The WINNERS of the 2014 Juggalo Day Scavenger Hunt!

Local homie Britt knew the best routes and even had some of the most coveted items on the list at her apartment (including a Great Milenko gold record!). Say what you want about it—home court advantage is a MUST. If you want to win, always keep some local color in the mix.

Britt’s treasure trove in her apartment. (Can you spot the DC Tarot deck?)

Britt’s treasure trove in her apartment. (Can you spot the DC Tarot deck?)

#2. Never underestimate the value of Morton’s List ninjas and all their chaos.

Why? Because of COURSE the winning team was mostly made up of members of the Inner Circle, including the ninjas responsible for Camp Karma at the Gatherings. Peep the homie “Morton’s Chris.” This dude is on POINT with his chaotic flavor. This is an epic shot of a true Ninja in Action:

Find Morton. (Hint: “You are the salt of the earth.”)

Find Morton. (Hint: “You are the salt of the earth.”)

#1. Remember: “You control your own muthafuckin destiny.”

Remember I mentioned the tarot reading portion of the event? Each team picked one card, representing their evening. And, believe it or not, the winning team drew a card signifying defeat. Real talk! But it just goes to show you that nothing is predetermined. Tarot itself is often misused as a tool for “fortune telling,” but in reality, we make our own future. Can’t nobody tell us what the future holds! We create our own destiny! I made sure to stress that during the reading, after they drew that fateful card: “This doesn’t mean you’ll lose per say; it is a sign of what could be. It is just a piece of art that challenges us to think about life. Go forward. Hustle harder! And don’t fuck it up!” Now, did this omen of defeat motivate their team more? Or is this little psychic just straight up bogus? You decide!

defeat

The 5 of axes symbolizes defeat for us Jokers.

These ninjas proved the fortune teller dead wrong and never felt so alive. Victory is theirs!

These ninjas proved the fortune teller dead wrong and never felt so alive. Victory is theirs!

 

Hotel halls of illusion: The winners show off their prize to the Days Inn.

Hotel halls of illusion: The winners show off their prize to the Days Inn.

 

The winning team!

The winning team!

Thus, our final lesson is learned: Victory is yours and yours alone if you truly want it. Shout out to our winners for all their hard work! Great job, y’all!

…And there you have it! 17 lessons learned from the Juggalo Day Scavenger Hunt.

Props go out to all the participants in this year’s hunt and all the old school Juggalos who dug through their mementos to unearth the original scavenger hunt game. Extra props go out to my buddies Scottie D and Bluntman for contributing to the prize pack. And, of course, super hella props to Psychopathic Records, especially Dark Carnival Games creator Jumpsteady and the homie J-Webb, for their advice, support, and all around awesomeness. (And remember that imitation is the biggest form of flattery, guys :)

Last but not least, we gotta give props once again to Morton’s Chris, Tox, Dusty, and “Chief Slap-A-Hoe,” winners of the first annual Faygoluvers.net and DC Tarot Juggalo Day Scavenger Hunt.

OH SNAP! That’s right: We just said “First annual!”

Are you crazy enough to take the title from the Big Chief “Slap-a-Hoe” and his inner circle compatriots? Then step right up and next year at Juggalo Day, ninjas. We will see you there next year, with our little bit of pregame sideshow flavor! An all new scavenger hunt event will be coming your way, with FLH’s own little spin on the O.G. Dark Carnival Game you know and love.

Play on, players. Play on. ‘Cuz you got game! And may the odds be ever in your favor, my pretties…EVER in your favor…

Rachel Paul is the author and illustrator of the Dark Carnival Tarot Cards and the unofficial Faygoluvers graphics grrrl. She bounces back and forth between Philly and Detroit and loves the Ohio Juggalos, The Great Milenko, and Candy Apple Faygo. Visit her at facebook.com/darkcarnivaltarot or etsy.com/shop/darkcarnivaltarot.

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    Faygoluvers Comments

  1. scruffy

    scruffy

    Comment posted on Thursday, March 6th, 2014 05:48 am GMT -6 at 5:48 am

    good stuff.

  2. HatchetJedi

    HatchetJedi

    Comment posted on Saturday, March 8th, 2014 03:18 pm GMT -6 at 3:18 pm

    That’s really fucking cool! Too bad there isn’t anyone to do cool shit like this with in my little shithole city.

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