January 17, 2019
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Satire: If the Founding Fathers Were Alive Today They Would Be Juggalos

This news parody website called TheHardTimes.net have posted a satire article titled “If the Founding Fathers Were Alive Today They Would Be Juggalos.”

The short “opinion piece” was written by Rob Steinberg and is actually pretty humorous. It shows the similarities between Juggalos and the founding fathers including all men being created equal, Ben Franklin’s drinking problem, Monopoly & monopolies, George Washington rockin’ a hatchet and more.

You can check out the entire article by CLICKING HERE or check that out below.

Props to Rob Steinberg.

Opinion: If the Founding Fathers Were Alive Today They Would Be Juggalos

As Americans, we hold the constitution sacred. However, America has changed so much since the constitution was written. Technological advancements and changing societal standards have left us wondering how our founding fathers would have written the constitution if they were alive today. Would they be liberal? Would they be conservative? I think the answer more likely than any is that they would be down with the clown.

The evidence is all right there in the lyrics. ICP and the founding fathers share countless similarities. For instance, the founding fathers believed that all men were created equal. Shaggy 2 Dope once rapped “It doesn’t matter if you’re born with a silver spoon in your mouth, or a crack rock in your mouth.” If that isn’t equality, I don’t know what is.

What is a juggalo? Well according to the group themselves, “[a juggalo] gets butt-naked and then he walks through the streets, winking at the freaks with a two-liter stuck in his butt-cheeks.” Remind you of anyone? Ben Franklin. There’s no doubt he’d be sipping faygo at The Gathering’s wrestling matches.

A juggalo is also known to, “eat monopoly and shit out connect four.” The founding fathers were against monopolies. They would’ve even adapted the juggalocoin into the US Treasury.

And when George Washington chopped down his cherry tree, what did he use to do it? That’s right- a mothafuckin’ hatchet. Whoop whoop!

So after reviewing the evidence you’re probably thinking, “Of course the founding fathers be juggalos. That’s so obvious. But how would that impact their interpretation of the constitution?” Great question. I dunno.

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    Faygoluvers Comments

  1. dirtydylane

    dirtydylane

    Comment posted on Wednesday, January 2nd, 2019 09:40 pm GMT -6 at 9:40 pm

    This article made my fucking day homie

  2. Jor MF D

    Jor MF D

    Comment posted on Thursday, January 3rd, 2019 08:34 am GMT -6 at 8:34 am

    The country we live in was built by slaves, beat down and murdered and stuffed in they graves, you put a slave owner on the one dollar bill and you wanna know why I kill people!
    So except for maybe they were probably racists and slave owners. Lol

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