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360+ things you should know about jumpsteady
February 21, 2013
10:17 am
scruffy
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once again, for those who may have missed it…

the chuck norris / dos equis style jumpsteady meme things. 

grouped according to the writer, with some slight editing.

Whoop whoop scruffy :

SPOOKYtheFUNGI

  awfully paranoid, arent you?   

February 21, 2013
10:18 am
scruffy
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wow a chick

1-  jumpsteady single-handedly saved the detroit auto industry, then took all of the jobs for himself, thus leaving the D still abandoned.  the man can work 5 assembly lines at once unassisted….while texting.

bobbotokes

2-  Jumpsteady wrote the bible and is in fact God, he just needed a street name to fit in.

3-  People think the Titanic got suck by a iceberg, it was in fact Jumpsteady playing marco polo out in the ocean.

4-  He also taught the caveman to make fire.

5-  Jumpsteady once encountered a bitch so big nobody would fuck her, so he did what any respectful ninja would do and flipped through the fat rolls till he found one that smelled like shit then turned back a roll.  what a guy.

MmmmBrainz

6-  I heard that the Ringmaster, the Great Milenko, and the Jeckyl Brothers are all really Jumpsteady .. He just didn't want all the attention so they changed his name.

7-  I heard he was supposed to be was supposed to play the Hulk in avengers … But he was busy saving orphans from burning buildings.

8-  I heard he was so ahead of his time that his parents haven't met yet.

9-  Superballs is actually about Jumpsteady .. But they changed his name because it didn't rhyme. Nah baby nah.

10-  Purely speculation that he pisses gold dust and shits diamonds. Cause ya know … Some of these days be shiny diamonds.

11-  Ya know the song crystal ball?  Well that's actually Jumpsteady's Crystal ball .. J asked if he could use it for a song.  Jumpsteady simply replied “it's alright”

12-  Anybody Killa took his name from Jumpsteady … Same way Rick Ross took his.

13-  Ya know the song Momma said knock you out? Well the rest of that line was originally momma said knock you out … Or you have to fight Jumpsteady.

14-  I heard that NASA isn't putting that rover on mars Sunday … Jumpsteady is.

15-  I heard that Johnny Depp models all of the characters he plays in shitty Tim Burton movies after Jumpsteadys old halloween costumes.

16-  Its a little known fact that Freddie Krueger has bad dreams about Jumpsteady.

17-  If a tree falls in a forest does it make a sound .. Who cares but did you see Jumpsteady karate chopping shit?

18-  Jumpsteady can get the last seven Pringles out of the can without a tilt or getting his hand stuck in the can.

19-  The book Fifty shades of Grey was originally titled Fifty Shades of Jumpsteady, and there was more asskicking, less sex with anal beads.

20-  Batman modeled his whole shtick after Jumpsteady when he seen him at some fancy Gotham party for some two faced lawyer.

21-  We are onto something here. I hope somehow Jumpsteady sees this ….  Ah who am I kidding …. Jumpsteady sees all.  The eye in Lord of the Rings is actually Jumpsteady.

22-  Little known fact …. If you fast forward the movie Bruce Almighty … You will find that Morgan Freeman actually played the part of Jumpsteady.  True story.

23-  The only reason Apple called the IPhone the IPhone is because Jumpsteady was already trademarked.

24-  Hurricane Katrina would have been called Hurricane Jumpsteady if it had been a male name year.

25-  Mr T modeled Clubber Lang after Jumpsteady, they met in Chicago back in 82 …

26-  Commonly unknown fact … all those rubber wrist things that say WWJD on them … yeah thats not Jesus .. thats What Would Jumpsteady Do?

27-  The character Kenny Powers is based loosely on Jumpsteady.

28-  The reason the Grateful Dead are so Grateful is because Jumpsteady was the one who deaded them.

Whoop whoop scruffy :

SPOOKYtheFUNGI

  awfully paranoid, arent you?   

February 21, 2013
10:19 am
scruffy
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docjonez420

29-  jumpsteady and steve irwin went scuba diving, the sting ray saw jumpsteady and stung steve out of fear …

30-  mortons list is really jumpsteadys life story

31-  alex abbiss left cause jumpsteady runs this bitch..  (kinda lame but on short notice)

32-  Helen Keller was deaf and blind cause she witnessed the spectical known as jumpsteady

33-  if jumpsteady was president there wouldnt be any more wars, cause everyone would be afraid of his wrath

34-  Mozart was deaf because jumpsteady played a tune on the piano that shattered his ear drums

35-  Jumpsteady farted and put a hole in the ozone

36-  The great wall of china and the berlin wall were built to keep jumpsteady out

37-  The dahli lama seeks advice from jumpsteady

38-  eathquakes happen when jumpsteady takes a dump

39-  Volcanos erupt when jumpsteady flushes his toilet

40-  Acid rain is just jumpsteady pissing on the world

wonka69

41-  Jump invented tea-bagging !

42-  if jumpsteady ran psychopathic, it would be a worldwide, underground, super killa movement ! not sum hot topic bullshit !

43-  jumpsteady shows up at hot-topic and they say “I'm sorry” !

Whoop whoop scruffy :

SPOOKYtheFUNGI

  awfully paranoid, arent you?   

February 21, 2013
10:19 am
scruffy
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Lucem Ferre

44-  The Big Bang happened when Jumpsteady lost his virginity.

45-  Wanna know how the Joker got his scars?  He fucked with Jumpsteady.

46-  Jumpsteady taught Violent J how magnets work.

47-  King Gordy's horns were really once Jumpsteady's pubes.

48-  You know how Tech N9ne spiked his hair? He thought of Jumpsteady.

49-  Atheists don't believe in any gods other than Jumpsteady.

50-  Jumpsteady shot the sheriff and the deputy.

51-  Jumpsteady took the cookies from the cookie jar.

52-  You know the all seeing eye on top of the pyramid?  That's Jumpsteady keeping an eye on his money.

53-  When Jeckel drops ball, Jumpsteady doesn't die.

54-  The Mighty Death Pop is the sound of Jumpsteady's punch.

55-  Jumpsteady held Awesome Dre back, just to prove him wrong.

56-  When Violent J wrote fuck the world, Jumpsteady was the only one who said fuck you back. (listen to the song)

57-  Jumpsteady played the Saxophone in Careless Whisper.

58-  People call fucking multiple women 'pulling a Black Dynamite'.  Black Dynamite calls fucking multiple women 'pulling a Jumpsteady'.

59-  Jumpsteady can rap to the beat, but the beat can't rap to Jumpsteady.

60-  They didn't include Jumpsteady in the expendables because they didn't want to make the other actors look bad.

61-  Kurt Cobain was inspired by Jumpsteady, and drugs, but mostly Jumpsteady.

62-  Duke Nukem is the less manly version of Jumpsteady.

63-  Vanilla Ice is only vanilla now, Jumpsteady melts ice.

64-  What happened to Greeze E.?  He fucked with Jumpsteady.

65-  Where's Waldo?  Hiding from Jumpsteady.

66-  Mr. T pities a fool, Jumpsteady pities Mr. T.

67-  BYW says “don't try this at home, unless you're Jumpsteady”.

68-  Chasity belts unlock themselves for Jumpsteady.

69-  Adam West used to be Batman, then he took a Jumpsteady to the knee.

70-  Jumpsteady doesn't fear the reaper.

71-  There is nothing to fear but fear itself, and that's Jumpsteady.

72-  Jumpsteady beat the og mario games, on his first try.

73-  When ever Jumpsteady plays duck hunt the dog never laughs, even when he misses, which he never does, because he's Jumpsteady.

74-  Clay Aiken used to be manly, Jumpsteady slapped the bitch into him.

75-  Jumpsteady interrupts Kanye West during his award acceptance speech.

76-  Toads lick Jumpsteady to get high.

77-  Jumpsteady does his own tattoos, with the tooth of a cobra and the ink of a squid.

78-  If you think white men can't jump, you must not have met Jumpsteady.

79-  Jumpsteady made Simon Cowell cry.

80-  Jumpsteady fired Vince McMahon and Donald Trump.

81-  Jumpsteady shot 2-Pac and Biggie for stealing his rhymes.

82-  Jumpsteady never went to school, he already knew everything.

83-  The Incredible Hulk was modeled after Jumpsteady's dick.

84-  Jumpsteady doesn't do fire drills, fires do Jumpsteady drills.

85-  Jumpsteady brushes his teeth with bleech.

86-  Jumpsteady watched a movie with a ring on it, right after a creepy voice called him and apologized for the shitty movie.

87-  There are four different types of people in this world:  dicks, pussies, and assholes.  Then there's Jumpsteady.

88-  Jumpsteady brings people out of comas by telling them to wake the fuck up.

89-  When John Hunt reached the top of Mt. Everest he was very disappointing to see that Jumpsteady was already there.

90-  Jumpsteady once beat a man until he turned white, his name was Micheal Jackson.

91-  Jumpsteady never asks, he demands.

92-  Jumpsteady doesn't go places, places go to Jumpsteady.

93-  Jumpsteady never disappoints a lover, but they usually disappoint him.

94-  Black holes happen when Jumpsteady punctures the universe with his fist.

95-  Jumpsteady's ass hairs have been used to weave fine clothing.

Whoop whoop scruffy :

SPOOKYtheFUNGI

  awfully paranoid, arent you?   

February 21, 2013
10:20 am
scruffy
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Che

96-  When Jumpsteady goes to buy something at a store, the store pays him to take the merchandise

97- Jumpsteady goes to the dentist, not to get his teeth cleaned…but to clean the dentist's teeth

98-  Jumpsteady doesnt wear sunblock, the sun wears Jumpsteadyblock.

Neverthrive, pt 1

99-  Jumpsteady killed Bin Laden. With a paperclip.

100-  Jumpsteady gave Chuck Norris his beard as a Christmass present.

101-  Those who believe sharks are nature's perfect killing machine have never met Jumpsteady.  Discovery channel's “Shark Week” soon to be replaced by “Jumpsteady Week”.

102-  Rob Bruce put a black man in the white house.

103-  And he can make the square peg fit in the round hole.

104-  Bruce Lee's life goal was to defeat Jumpsteady in a fight to the death.  Based on which of the two combatants is still alive, we can draw our own conclusion as to who was the victor.

105-  Voldemort refuses to utter Jumpsteady's name, instead referring to him as “he who shall not be fucked with”.

106-  Chuck Norris spends most of his time on the internet looking up Jumpsteady jokes.

107-  The Dos Equis guy doesn't always gank Rob's title as most interesting man in the world, but when he does, he makes sure he's at least three states away.

108-  The necronomicon is actually a plagarism of Jumpsteady's dream journal.

109-  Jumpsteady also solved the irrational number, pi.  The answer was pumpkin.

110-  If Jumpsteady were to fuck a hooker, she would pay him.  But since Jump's a faithful husband and family man, he would politely decline the solicitation and assist the hooker in finding a legitimate occupation, after slapping her pimp into submission.

111-  Jumpsteady became a paramedic only to revive his victims, so he could kill them a second time.

112-  Jumpsteady wrote what was undeniably the most hilarious 'yo momma' joke ever to exist, but refuses to tell it because he's too classy for that shit.

113-  Crystal meth is addicted to Jumpsteady.

114-  Jumpsteady is a classically trained actor, specializing in silent film.  He's won seven oscars, appearing in two films, with zero lines of diologue.

115-  When Jumpsteady was a child, he played Eye Spy and found the Higgs Boson particle.

116-  The Aurora CO victims asked to see Jumpsteady, but they had to settle for a visit from Christian Bale because Rob was busy disarming the shooter's apartment with a pair of tweezers.

117-  The jedi force is actually just the residual energy from one of Jumpsteady's farts.

118-  Jumpsteady was also a hipster before it was cool.

119-  The devil sold his soul to Jumpsteady.

120-  Jumpsteady has a black belt.  Made of anti-matter.

121-  Isaiah Mustafa's girl looks at Isaiah, then to Jumpsteady, then back to Isaiah.  Sadly, he is not Jumpsteady.

122-  The hatchet man is actually running away from Jumpsteady.

123-  Jumpsteady is multilangual.  He can speak English, Spanish, French, Mandorin, Gaelic and Korean.  All at once.

124-  Ron Jeremy wishes his dick was as big as Jumpsteady's.

125-  C'thulu and the old ones don't inhabit this realm because they're afraid to be in the same dimension as Jumpsteady.

126-  Esham bit Jumpsteady.  Obligatory.

Whoop whoop scruffy :

SPOOKYtheFUNGI

  awfully paranoid, arent you?   

February 21, 2013
10:20 am
scruffy
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Neverthrive, pt 2 

127-  Anne Frank was actually hiding from Jumpsteady.

128-  Coincedentally, Hitler's body count still wasn't as high as Jumpsteady's, and commited suicide in frustration, never being able to come out of Jump's shadow.

129-  Jason Vorhees writes Jumpsteady fanfiction.

130-  Jumpsteady can lift Mjolnir.

131-  MC Hammer can't touch Jumpsteady.  [Yeah, it's getting harder.]

132-  It was Jumpsteady that actually held Rob Van Winkle out that window.

133-  It was Jumpsteady that shot Bambis mother.

134-  If you say Jumpsteady into a mirror three times … Nothing will happen.  But the next morning your throat will be sore from all that phreshness leaking out.

135-  Jumpsteady is America's leading nuclear deterrant.

136-  In Soviet Russia, Jumpsteady still fucks your shit up.

137-  Jumpsteady not only won gold medals in every olympic sport, he also took the bronze and silvers.  They're considering creating a platinum medal for the occasion.

138-  Jumpsteady took a chunk of Tyson's ear.  And then decked him 'cause he tasted awful.

139-  Jumpsteady made Charlie Sheen lose.

140-  Jumpsteady knows how magnets work.  Shaggy doesn't believe him and continues to be irate.  [I'm done, I have places to be in the morning.]

141-  The Leaning Tower of Pisa used to stand up straight, until Jumpsteady…

142-  Jumpsteady is better at doing whatevever it is Woverine does best.

143-  When a zombie bites Jumpsteady, the zombie contracts the Jumpsteady virus.

144-  Jumpsteady created a cure for cancer, but keeps it to himself because he believes in population control.

145-  Ninjas dress up in Jumpsteady costumes for Halloween.

146-  Jumpsteady put Charles Xavier in that wheel chair.

147-  Jumpsteady shot Greedo first.

148-  Both Edward and Jacob are team Jumpsteady.

149-  Vader isn't actually Luke's father, it's Jumpsteady.

150-  Jumpsteady has been disqualified from every MMA ring becuase his fists are legally classified as weapons.

151-  Jumpsteady snatched Odin's eye out of its socket.  Odin didn't want beef, so he told everyone he did it to himself.

152-  Jesus could make the blind see, but Jumpsteady was the reason they were blind in the first place.  And Jump can also turn water to faygo.

153-  Every sunday, god goes to church and prays to Jumpsteady.

154-  McDonalds gives Rob Bruce a cheeseburger every time he tells them he can make limestone from gun powder.  And he has, in fact, made limestone from gunpowder.

155-  Every Ronald McDonald is different becuase they keep having to replace the actor.  Jump doesn't appreciate hacks stealing his brother's gimmick.

156-  Jumpsteady ate Hannible Lector's liver.  With applesauce.

157-  Rob Bruce's toejam is a rare delacacy in most nations.

158-  Neil Armstrong was the first man on the moon.  Jumpsteady was the first, and presumably last, man on the sun.

159-  Jagger got moves like Jumpsteady.

160-  Jumpsteady is the seventh joker's card.

161-  Nostra Damus actually predicted the day the world pisses Jumpsteady off.

162-  Cops pull Jumpsteady over and beat themselves for his entertainment.

163-  Jumpsteady was Kaiser Soze.

164-  Jumpsteady escaped Cidhna mine.

165-  It was Jumpsteady on the Grassy Knolls.

166-  Most folk are impressed by Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.  Jumpsteady considers it some very pretty ballet.

167-  The difference between Chuck Norris and Jumpsteady:  When Chuck kills a ninja, he uses every part.  When Jumpsteady kills a ninja, he takes the pelt and donates the rest to local homeless shelters.  The homeless like chinese food too. (this joke is horrible and I appologise)

Whoop whoop scruffy :

SPOOKYtheFUNGI

  awfully paranoid, arent you?   

February 21, 2013
10:21 am
scruffy
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scruffy, pt 1

168-  chuck norris was once bitten by a cobra.  after three days of rolling around in agony, jumpsteady told them both to stop acting like bitches. 

169-  jumpsteady donates blood from gunshot wounds.

170-  jumpsteady wrote his name in the snow… from panama.

171-  jumpsteady only eats and breathes to be polite.

172-  most of the time, j and shaggs paint up their faces like jumpsteady.

173-  jumpsteady will perform his own autopsy.

174-  jumpsteady makes steak tartare with his bare hands, out of people.

175-  jumpsteady wins every time at three card monte.  then he gives the dealer his money back and shows him how its done.

176-  once, on a visit to a sewage treatment plant, jumpsteady correctly identified his own excrement.  the man knows his shit.

177-  the grim reaper has a jumpsteady tattoo.

178-  calvin johnson calls jumpsteady 'unicron.'

179-  everything the butterfly does is dedicated to jumpsteady.

180-  jumpsteady can sing three songs at the same time.  [i said sing, not write.]

181-  the maya calenders actually say '5,080 years til jumpsteady.'

182-  jumpsteady has a red phone on his desk that only rings when batman calls.

183-  jumpsteady jumped over the snake river on a unicycle.

184-  jumpsteady can predict the future.  either that, or the future is afraid to cross him.

185-  the mens olympics is entirely predicated on the assumption that jumpsteady wont be there.

186-  jumpsteady holds so many world records that guinness officially ruled that he is 'not of this world', and gave everybody their spots back.

187-  as a child, jumpsteady was tutored by stephen hawking, a great learning experience for hawking.

188- when jumpsteady performs, juggalettes throw their panties at him.  and then the panties throw their shields at him.  [that one may have been too much…]

189-  chuck norris, the dos equis guy, and jumpsteady walk into a bar.  only jumpsteady walks out.

190-  no, wait.  chuck norris and the dos equis guy walk into a bar, jumpsteady ducks.

191-  wait, try again…  chuck norris and the dos equis guy walk into jumpsteadys bar, the patrons complain that they 'really suck the life out of the room.'

192-  jumpsteady hired two scrubs at full benefits to carry his money roll.

193-  when jumpsteady doesnt know what to do, he wakes up.

194-  jumpsteady got my back, cuz im a juggalo.  i got his back, cuz im not stupid.

195-  superman wears jumpsteady underoos.

Whoop whoop scruffy :

SPOOKYtheFUNGI

  awfully paranoid, arent you?   

February 21, 2013
10:21 am
scruffy
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scruffy, pt 2 

196-  jumpsteady discovered the higgs boson while fixing his microwave.  [neverthrives is better] 

197-  jumpsteady hires assassins to come after him randomly, to stay in practice.

198-  monsters tell their children, 'theres no such thing as jumpsteady, now go to bed.'  then they are mysteriously murdered in their sleep.

199-  factoid:  according to the new york times archives, 60% of articles containing the word 'jumpsteady' also contain the phrase 'no survivors.'

200-  jumpsteady can pick a lock with his neck.

201-  the doctor that delivered jumpsteady made the mistake of swatting him.  jumpsteady garroted him with the umbilical cord, then got the nurses digits.

202-  jumpsteady graduated early from SEAL school.

203-  some scientists believe that billions of years from now, the universe will collapse back to a single point.  others believe that it will continue to expand until all energy sources are extinguished.  either way, it wont matter to anybody but jumpsteady.

204-  mystic shamans from all over the world visit jumpsteady.  not for wisdom, they just wanna be cool.

205-  dr. mindbender has been trying to get jumpsteadys dna for 25 years.

206-  jumpsteady burned rome.  i mean, like, last week.

207-  his personalized plate reads, 'shit, bitch, you aint even pullin ME over'

208-  your girlfriend secretly fucks jumpsteady.  i can say that confidently because everybodys girlfriend secretly fucks jumpsteady.

209-  when muhammed ali says, 'im the king of the world!', if you look closely, you can see him mumble, 'at least i would be, if not for jumpsteady.'

210-  jumpsteady has never been photographed with batman, bigfoot, or god.  [because his entourage keeps the hound dogs away]

211-  bruce lee and jumpsteady did not, in fact, fight each other.  jumpsteady walked into the room, cracked his knuckles, and bruce lees heart stopped.

212-  speaking of bruce lee, did you know he was named after jumpsteady?  also, the crime of robbery.

213-  jumpsteady has mastered the one-inch punch, one-inch head butt, one-inch body check, and one-inch drop kick. of course, he only needs a quarter inch.

214-  jumpsteady stopped starship.  no, much too obscure.  how about:  jumpsteady built this city, but he did it on half a cup of coffee, not rock n roll.

215-  when an irresistable force meets jumpsteady, he resists.  and he wont collide with an immovable object, the object will humbly step aside.

216-  if jumpsteady were to go on vacation, the world economy would collapse in about 12 hours. 

217-  i would say the jumpsteady well is running dry, but the jumpsteady well runs all the way through the center of the earth and comes out at another jumpsteady well on the other side. [hows that for an overextended metaphor]

218-  jumpsteady was audie murphys drill sergeant.

219-  jumpsteady taught calculus to a windup toy.

220-  his pin number is the square root of infinity, backwards.

221-  jumpsteady likes to sit on the devils shoulder and goad him into doing stupid shit.

Whoop whoop scruffy :

SPOOKYtheFUNGI

  awfully paranoid, arent you?   

February 21, 2013
10:27 am
scruffy
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whew! 

  awfully paranoid, arent you?   

February 21, 2013
11:09 am
patjoyce
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?

February 21, 2013
11:21 am
scruffy
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its a thing we got into before the gathering last year, the topic was buried long ago.  got a bit outta control, but, you know… 

anyway, theres too many good ones to just let it go to waste, so i collated them for re-presentation.  been meaning to repost it for weeks. 

  awfully paranoid, arent you?   

February 21, 2013
11:46 am
patjoyce
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This is actually really funny, and gave me something to read for a little bit. I just had no idea where it came from, that’s all.

February 21, 2013
11:55 am
rudemark1
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Jumpsteady is he a saint, or a ghost chillie pepper, i dnt know many thingz he is, but one i know he’s fresh yo!!!

February 21, 2013
12:42 pm
VoiceNameless
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scruffy said:

8-  I heard he was so ahead of his time that his parents haven't met yet.

 

RIP Big L!

February 21, 2013
12:57 pm
iLLtheClown
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Jumpsteady did everything after me.

February 24, 2013
6:27 pm
Neverthrive
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This is my favorite thread. Everyone needs Jumpsteady jokes.

Whoop whoop Neverthrive :

scruffy

daisies2-4.jpg

February 24, 2013
6:29 pm
scruffy
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Neverthrive said:

This is my favorite thread. Everyone needs Jumpsteady jokes.

our opinions match on both points. 

  awfully paranoid, arent you?   

February 24, 2013
11:55 pm
Slumerican502
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Jumpsteady is what is eating gilbert grape

Jumpsteady gave the joker his scars

Jumsteady is also the reason Bane wears that mask

Jumpsteady knows how many licks it takes to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop

The ring to bind them all was woven from jumpsteady's nut hairs…Yes he has golden nut hairs and diamond nuts

Jumpsteady eats his cheerios with everclear

Jumpsteady's piss can cure or give you cancer….Depends on his mood

Jumpsteady can split atoms with his mind

Jumpsteady didn't discover fire, he invented it

The metorite  that wiped out the dinosaurs? False…It was jumpsteady

Everyone always compares jumpsteady to god, which is unfair if you ask me…Dude is okay I guess but he is no jumpsteady

(this shit is really hard to do, yall took all the good oneslaugh)

February 25, 2013
4:07 am
Fatballz
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Jumpsteady is the master of the flying guillotine

February 25, 2013
5:23 am
King Lucem Ferre
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scruffy said:

Neverthrive said:

This is my favorite thread. Everyone needs Jumpsteady jokes.

our opinions match on both points. 

Seconded.

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