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360+ things you should know about jumpsteady
March 15, 2013
7:34 pm
scruffy
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wow a chick said, [in a seperate, similar thread, included here for the sake of completionism]:

“I don't normally post on Faygoluvers, but when I do…the women, zay love eet. But I no love them back.”

“I don't normally call Scottie D. at his place of employment, but when I do…he fronts like he's too busy so he has time compose himself and stop his voice from cracking.” (Sup with that, Scottie? ;)

“I don't normally record a concept record about 1920s bank robbers, but when I do…ninjas start rocking fedora pimp caps with the old-english D and titty chants evolve into 'lemmi see them gams, dollface.'”

scruffy said, here, in this post:

jumpsteady carries the weight of the world on his shoulders.  and by that i mean, the entire global supply of cocaine. 

jump once told a young spiderman that with great power comes great responsibilty.  then he beat the bug juice out of him for no fuckin reason.

sorry, couldnt come up with three more that quickly.

  awfully paranoid, arent you?   

March 16, 2013
1:04 am
scruffy
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jumpsteadys business cards are blank.  its not like youll forget that you got it from jumpsteady. 

jump does a trick where he catches a bullet train with his teeth. 

jumpsteady served in the gulf war.  no joke in that one, just another reason to give the man his props. 

he makes the purple gang much cooler than the original purple gang. 

jumpsteady has come up with 330 better jokes about himself, but he wont put them up here, because he doesnt want us to feel bad. 

he checkmated death in five moves. 

the dos equis guy has three autograph books; two for jumpsteady and one for everybody else.

jump can type around 55-60 pages a minute. 

his quickdraw is so fast, you cant even see him come over to you, draw your pistol, shoot you in the heart, replace the pistol in your holster, and go back to where he started. 

jumpsteady brokered an armistice between pie and cake. 

jumpsteady came up with a perfect compromise between pancake and waffle.  its called a wancakle, and you cant have one. 

  awfully paranoid, arent you?   

March 16, 2013
3:21 am
scruffy
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jump learned his sword technique from katsushiro.  katsushiro learned everything else from jump.

jumpsteady has a ventriloquists dummy, named violent j. 

he cooked the loch ness monster on a spit. 

why did jumpsteady cross the road?  to kick my ass for second-guessing his motives. 

  awfully paranoid, arent you?   

March 16, 2013
11:59 am
Rufus Nusto
Guest

Lucem Ferre said:

scruffy said:

Neverthrive said:

This is my favorite thread. Everyone needs Jumpsteady jokes.

our opinions match on both points. 

Seconded.

This is awesome.

March 16, 2013
12:32 pm
scruffy
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jumpsteady was the first person to swim solo across the atlantic. 

he was also the first to cross the english channel.  walking. 

jumpsteady invented fire.  i dont mean, 'discovered fire', some caveman did that.  jump invented it. 

  awfully paranoid, arent you?   

March 16, 2013
1:36 pm
Slumerican502
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Slumerican502 said on the bottom of page 1

 

Jumpsteady didn't discover fire, he invented it

 

 

I believe I may have a lawsuit on my hands here….You,sir, will be hearing from my lawyer. I got him from an ad on tv so you know he is legit

March 16, 2013
1:46 pm
scruffy
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Slumerican502 said:

Slumerican502 said on the bottom of page 1

Jumpsteady didn't discover fire, he invented it

I believe I may have a lawsuit on my hands here….You,sir, will be hearing from my lawyer. I got him from an ad on tv so you know he is legit

yeah, you fuckin got me!  cold. 

ill settle out of court, you can have half my income for the next five minutes.

ive been waiting for that to happen since this thing started…  and i havent been as diligent lately about checking back on the previous ones.  lesson learned. 

still, ill probably fuck it up again.  its inevitable, we gotta be up to, what, 250 or so?

 

jumpsteady catches fireflies and keeps them in a jar on his dresser.  people, too. 

   

  awfully paranoid, arent you?   

March 16, 2013
3:05 pm
scruffy
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the hatchetman wears a jumpsteady charm. 

when he was seven years old, jumpsteady sold lemonade on the sidewalk.  he made 3.7 million dollars. 

jumpsteady has built four houses; one from straw, one from sticks, one from brick, and one from wolf pelts.

  awfully paranoid, arent you?   

March 17, 2013
3:13 pm
scruffy
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according to the heisenberg uncertainty principle, magnets only work because jumpsteady wants them to. 

jump does ribbon cutting ceremonies.  he cuts the ribbon with a ninja star thrown during the plane ride home. 

everyone named robert owes jumpsteady royalties.

  awfully paranoid, arent you?   

March 17, 2013
4:59 pm
Frog
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Jumpsteady invented sitting down, before him, everyone was just standing around

From tadpoles to frogs to Jesus to legends.

March 18, 2013
1:20 pm
scruffy
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jumpsteady won a rally in a matchbox car.  

he captured a grey whale using bolas. 

most of these jumpsteady jokes fall way short of the truth. 

 

[edit]  264, by my count. 

  awfully paranoid, arent you?   

March 18, 2013
3:18 pm
scruffy
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jumpsteady escaped from new york.  four times. 

he has a modest vacation home on the dark side of the moon. 

jumpsteady can spell sesquipedalianism without looking it up.  he also knows what it means. 

  awfully paranoid, arent you?   

March 18, 2013
5:26 pm
Slumerican502
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scruffy said:

 

yeah, you fuckin got me!  cold. 

ill settle out of court, you can have half my income for the next five minutes.

ive been waiting for that to happen since this thing started…  and i havent been as diligent lately about checking back on the previous ones.  lesson learned. 

still, ill probably fuck it up again.  its inevitable, we gotta be up to, what, 250 or so?

 

jumpsteady catches fireflies and keeps them in a jar on his dresser.  people, too. 

   

 

Well I just looked back and it seems i stole a couple too…damn

March 18, 2013
5:58 pm
scruffy
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Slumerican502 said:

Well I just looked back and it seems i stole a couple too…damn

no biggie, like i said, its inevitable. 

 

jumpsteadys criminal record went double platinum.  at least it would have, if anybody had the balls to charge him. 

jumpsteady sold me the brooklyn bridge.  legit. 

he performed arthroscopic surgery with a pez dispenser and a can of silly string. 

jump teaches old dogs new tricks, specificly, how to repair spacecraft. 

jumpsteady knows who is buried in grants tomb, and it aint just grant… 

someone asked jumpsteady if the capitol of kentucky was pronounced 'louie'ville or 'lewis'ville.  he answered 'louie'ville, so the capitol had to relocate from frankfort. 

  awfully paranoid, arent you?   

March 20, 2013
5:16 am
scruffy
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jump won the nobel prize for literature, for a couple of tweets.  the committee also awarded him the physics and peace prizes, but he didnt do anything for them, he just wanted a set. 

jumpsteady brushes his teeth with ambrosia.

his current form was assembled in a detroit factory out of spare parts from dead juggalos. 

 

actually, you can make your own jumpsteady at home!  simply take a hundred pounds of the finest weed and a solid gold skeleton, mail them to me, and ill send you the kit.

 

okay… the last one doesnt count.

  awfully paranoid, arent you?   

March 20, 2013
8:27 am
sizzle
Guest

Snap if there wasn’t..
I recall an Air Jordan style Jumpsteezy logo from a minute ago… Help to can has find?

March 20, 2013
8:30 am
sizzle
Guest

PS
Jumpsteady once wrestled a mirror just to see if the world could handle it. Thus balance was accepted as a life truth.

March 20, 2013
2:21 pm
scruffy
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jump can do the mashed potato during a handstand. 

he witnessed the indescribable wonder and majesty of the the birth of our solar system.  he says it was boring, but there was nothing else on. 

jumpsteady was once struck by lightning.  he struck it back, knocking it out cold. 

  awfully paranoid, arent you?   

March 21, 2013
10:43 am
scruffy
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if you turn off the lights and read this entire thread aloud, it will summon jumpsteady. 

jumpsteady doesnt use drugs, but he has been known to binge on freshness. 

jumpsteady hit a dog with his car.  i honestly didnt think he could throw it that far. 

  awfully paranoid, arent you?   

July 1, 2013
1:59 pm
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