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Can someone give me constructive ciriticism?
August 19, 2014
2:54 am
MetalHorrorGuitarWhat
MetalHorrorGuitarWhat
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Curious if someone could give me constructive criticism on a verse I’m working on and tell me if there is anything wrong with it?

I'm the neck cutta and I'm one block away...

OCJ_Brendan said
Haha I hope everyone enjoys their Leg Diamond limited edition Beach towels...

 

August 19, 2014
5:26 am
stretchSquiggles
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post it? and some one will let you know exactly how much you suck…

"HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN, ONCE YOU SURRENDER THE ABILITY TO PROPERLY OPERATE YOUR MIND, YOU ARE THEN SURRENDERING THE ABILITY TO BE THE SHIT. AND THAT ONLY MEANS, YOU AINT SHIT ANYMORE."-SHAGGY2DOPE

August 19, 2014
5:31 am
The Notorious, L.T.B.
The Notorious, L.T.B.
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Well, the first thing I’d do to improve upon this verse is to actually write the verse. I can’t help you until you take the baby steps, and even then maybe not at all.

Blood rains down from an angry sky! My cock rages on! My cock rages on!

August 19, 2014
5:48 am
MetalHorrorGuitarWhat
MetalHorrorGuitarWhat
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Well I figured I’d ask before I got skewered.

 

I don’t need a chorus cuz it bores us and whores just want cash and gold, they’re real bold like Eric Holder

Your rap is whack like smokin crack with two dicks thinkin their pimps as they kidnap your mom for ransom

This song won’t sell shit, I’m sick of it, being told I’m nothing because they think I’m bluffing, bitch You’re dead …”but I’m still givin you head” I don’t care

Your bitch is hairier than chewbacca and needs some nair, then I’ll take that hairless cunt to my lair or rape her at the county fair

At the age of thirteen I OD’d on thorazine. I fucked up my dopamine and been high so long I act clean, unless I get rude like that Ravishing Rick dude

I act beligerant, I’m a miscreant, a villain, a juvenile delinquint and don’t mean any of it

When I die, I hope you suffer, cuz I’m flier than Flyin Brian and you’re a heffer, whatever, your pussy reeks like old leather

Could you tell me somethin? Are you dumb or just huffin paint? [psshhh] and aint it lame that sling blades are illegal and I can’t slash your face, for real though

You tried to fuck me over, so I trolled your ass like Jehovah’s witnesses then tired you out with physical fitness, you’re witless and all the bitches think you’re a dud like elmer fud with that bill forward pilgrim hat, it’s whack, I’m sorry […wait no I’m not], I laughed when you got face smacked, eye blacked n jaw jacked

Now back to your girl. She’s a hag with a bag over her face, but she enjoys a swirl cuz she gets drunk til she hurls, blacks out and wants some pearls “mmm gimme a necklace”

I’m reckless, relentless, and I gave your mom tourettes, she took it and to think she almost turned lez… its messed. so lets finish this after I get dressed, Jeff

Go smoke meth, get arrested and excuse me while I suck your girls breasts, then beat her again with a club, but I jest though if you like you can be the ref.

inb4THATSHITISWHACKin…. 5…4…3..

I'm the neck cutta and I'm one block away...

OCJ_Brendan said
Haha I hope everyone enjoys their Leg Diamond limited edition Beach towels...

 

August 19, 2014
6:06 am
The Notorious, L.T.B.
The Notorious, L.T.B.
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Too much emphasis on trying to rhyme every little word, jumps around a lot especially that first line lol what does chorus boring us have to do with whores wanting cash and gold? 

Blood rains down from an angry sky! My cock rages on! My cock rages on!

August 19, 2014
6:19 am
Sean Law
Sean Law
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that shits whack.  looks like a bunch of jibber jabber with not point, and immaturish rhymes that don’t make sense

“when I die, I hope YOU suffer?”

“lets finish this after I get dressed jeff?”  are you and jeff naked together??

“Tired you out with physical fitness”  you trolled this person and worked out with them??

“Go smoke meth, get arrested and excuse me while I suck your girls breasts, then beat her again with a club, but I jest though if you like you can be the ref”   so, how is he gonna be the ref if he gets arrested??

“Your rap is whack like smokin crack with two dicks thinkin their pimps as they kidnap your mom for ransom” what??

 

that’s just what I feel like mentioning, but its all over dude.  honestly, you some structure, and not a bunch of randomness

I'll fuck you till you love me, Faggot!

-Tyson

August 19, 2014
6:26 am
The Notorious, L.T.B.
The Notorious, L.T.B.
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I scatter my brain…

Blood rains down from an angry sky! My cock rages on! My cock rages on!

August 19, 2014
6:33 am
Sean Law
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“I don’t need a chorus cuz it bores us”

i don’t think the chorus would be the deal breaker

I'll fuck you till you love me, Faggot!

-Tyson

August 19, 2014
6:38 am
The Notorious, L.T.B.
The Notorious, L.T.B.
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I’m reckless, relentless, and gave your mom Tourette’s. Lmao.

Blood rains down from an angry sky! My cock rages on! My cock rages on!

August 19, 2014
12:57 pm
MetalHorrorGuitarWhat
MetalHorrorGuitarWhat
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LTB said
Too much emphasis on trying to rhyme every little word, jumps around a lot especially that first line lol what does chorus boring us have to do with whores wanting cash and gold? 

Good points. It does need to be arranged.  I wrote it in sections so it’d be easier to rearrange it if needed.

I'm the neck cutta and I'm one block away...

OCJ_Brendan said
Haha I hope everyone enjoys their Leg Diamond limited edition Beach towels...

 

August 19, 2014
1:00 pm
MetalHorrorGuitarWhat
MetalHorrorGuitarWhat
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Sean Law said
that shits whack.  looks like a bunch of jibber jabber with not point, and immaturish rhymes that don’t make sense

“when I die, I hope YOU suffer?”

“lets finish this after I get dressed jeff?”  are you and jeff naked together??

“Tired you out with physical fitness”  you trolled this person and worked out with them??

“Go smoke meth, get arrested and excuse me while I suck your girls breasts, then beat her again with a club, but I jest though if you like you can be the ref”   so, how is he gonna be the ref if he gets arrested??

“Your rap is whack like smokin crack with two dicks thinkin their pimps as they kidnap your mom for ransom” what??

 

that’s just what I feel like mentioning, but its all over dude.  honestly, you some structure, and not a bunch of randomness

Well, Robin Williams ain’t suffering anymore.  The only ones suffering are his friend, family and fans.

And no we’re not; I’m naked from fucking his mother. 

The rest are all fair enough points.  

I'm the neck cutta and I'm one block away...

OCJ_Brendan said
Haha I hope everyone enjoys their Leg Diamond limited edition Beach towels...

 

August 19, 2014
1:33 pm
Sean Law
Sean Law
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potential is there. just keep some structure, and you will be better than the warlock

I'll fuck you till you love me, Faggot!

-Tyson

August 19, 2014
1:57 pm
Violentdope
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You mean The Godfather of Dope?

August 19, 2014
2:01 pm
Sean Law
Sean Law
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yes, the great white dope

I'll fuck you till you love me, Faggot!

-Tyson

August 19, 2014
3:28 pm
stretchSquiggles
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Sean Law said
potential is there. just keep some structure, and you will be better than the warlock

 

lets work on hitting that “y.o.l.o Swaggins” level first XD (remember that guy?)

"HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN, ONCE YOU SURRENDER THE ABILITY TO PROPERLY OPERATE YOUR MIND, YOU ARE THEN SURRENDERING THE ABILITY TO BE THE SHIT. AND THAT ONLY MEANS, YOU AINT SHIT ANYMORE."-SHAGGY2DOPE

August 19, 2014
3:28 pm
twiztidkillaxxx2
twiztidkillaxxx2
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Holy shit that was some pac right there

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