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Help me make this song better
January 8, 2016
4:24 am
Mr. Tidwell
Mr. Tidwell
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I wrote a song to make a music video for. The lyrics need help from people who actually understand lyric writing.

Title: ???&??

Verse one:

Brain fog, somethings wrong
My heart skips a beat
Eyes blurred, strike the gong
It’s panic in the sheets
Grotesque, I’m ugly
have you seen my teeth?
Noone ever loved me,
Women call me creep.
Never sleep at night
Like I work graveyard
Never feelin right
Bloody nose and dick hard.
Cherry flavored, yeah right.
I chase fractals in the sky.
Lonely, I scream at night,
“I hate myself and wanna fry”

Hook:

Depression stinks, man
Ain’t bathed in weeks, man
Fightin for my life
but I’m a weak man
Can’t believe I’m here again
A Relapse
Doctor Thompson smokin
Formaldehyde weed wraps

Verse two:

Winner winner Chicken dinner
Always been a Wiccan sinner
Servin up Huitzilopochtli
Don’t think i will? Watch me.
Need a human sacrifice
Eat his liver with some rice
Bitter Alice takes a pill
Then breaks my heart for a thrill
Face goes dry and mouth is numb
Press the plunger with my thumb
Flush the toilet life ain’t shit
Overdose on disassociates
Can’t stand the pain of existence
Drown my sorrows, no resistence
With any luck, this time I’ll die
I hate myself and wanna fry

 

January 8, 2016
7:27 am
scruffy
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help…  how…? 

 

uh, okay…  your voice is a lil too scratchy, try some hot tea with a lil honey in it. 

also, the lighting throughout the video is too inconsistent. 

 

need hear delivery.  at least. 

else, can only speculate. 

 

judge poem is different from judge rap. 

  awfully paranoid, arent you?   

January 8, 2016
9:25 am
krunk
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scruffy said
help…  how…? 

Maybe by suggesting that DXM is not a food group?

krunk.gif

January 8, 2016
3:12 pm
Mr. Tidwell
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scruffy said
help…  how…? 

 

uh, okay…  your voice is a lil too scratchy, try some hot tea with a lil honey in it. 

also, the lighting throughout the video is too inconsistent. 

 

need hear delivery.  at least. 

else, can only speculate. 

 

judge poem is different from judge rap. 

Help with structure and maybe stronger rhymes etc

 

January 8, 2016
3:14 pm
Mr. Tidwell
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krunkazphuk said

scruffy said
help…  how…? 

Maybe by suggesting that DXM is not a food group?

I’m dexatarian i only eat cough syrup

 

January 8, 2016
3:36 pm
scruffy
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Mr. Tidwell said

scruffy said
help…  how…? 

need hear delivery.  at least. 
else, can only speculate. 
 
judge poem is different from judge rap. 

Help with structure and maybe stronger rhymes etc

not easy to do, without knowin how youd sound when rappin it.  the right inflection can make a weak rhyme passable, the wrong delivery can kill good writing to death. 

 

well, rhymes are reasonable enough, assumin that the flow rides the beat in an appealing way. 

i liked that you used ‘fry’ instead of the way-too-obvious ‘die’ to end the first verse..  but, uh, you then rhymed it with die in the second…  so. 

actually, if youre gonna use ‘fry’, might consider throwin in some supporting hell imagery.  or some suitably rejective contrasting heaven imagery. 

 

structure-wise, youre setting a scene, not really tellin a story.  no arcs, if you will. 

you got a standard rhyme scheme in the second verse, with an abab scheme in the first.  that could be jarring, again depending on flow.  could also be great.  shrug. 

 

helpful?  cuz im really just talkin out my ass, bein that youre the writer. 

truth is, until its recorded, this is a prose poem.  and from a higher prose poetry point of view, it dont shine.  just like 99.9% of all raps. 

  awfully paranoid, arent you?   

January 8, 2016
6:01 pm
randy gall
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well hey man can I positive smack your ass when im bangin it?   it will be so deep that you will spit cum out man

and violent dope can be in the corner jerking off man

Noah Fence is a RACIST piece of shit and so are you if you support him. No excuses.

January 8, 2016
6:12 pm
Mr. Tidwell
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scruffy said

Mr. Tidwell said

scruffy said
help…  how…? 

need hear delivery.  at least. 
else, can only speculate. 
 
judge poem is different from judge rap. 

Help with structure and maybe stronger rhymes etc

not easy to do, without knowin how youd sound when rappin it.  the right inflection can make a weak rhyme passable, the wrong delivery can kill good writing to death. 

 

well, rhymes are reasonable enough, assumin that the flow rides the beat in an appealing way. 

i liked that you used ‘fry’ instead of the way-too-obvious ‘die’ to end the first verse..  but, uh, you then rhymed it with die in the second…  so. 

actually, if youre gonna use ‘fry’, might consider throwin in some supporting hell imagery.  or some suitably rejective contrasting heaven imagery. 

 

structure-wise, youre setting a scene, not really tellin a story.  no arcs, if you will. 

you got a standard rhyme scheme in the second verse, with an abab scheme in the first.  that could be jarring, again depending on flow.  could also be great.  shrug. 

 

helpful?  cuz im really just talkin out my ass, bein that youre the writer. 

truth is, until its recorded, this is a prose poem.  and from a higher prose poetry point of view, it dont shine.  just like 99.9% of all raps. 

I’ll work on the story telling a bit, thanks. I thought there was a progression but it’s pretty loaded imagery and maybe it wasn’t as developed as I thought. Thanks.

Fry is for tripping not for hell, but I think maybe that might add a new dimension to it, thanks.

 

January 8, 2016
6:24 pm
JiffyLong
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When I read that, I read it in a DJScrubb style flow, and voice. I like it. 

"Your girl fucked me 'cause you cummin' quicker than FedEx Air"- Sean Law

January 9, 2016
12:01 am
scruffy
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Mr. Tidwell said
I’ll work on the story telling a bit, thanks. I thought there was a progression but it’s pretty loaded imagery and maybe it wasn’t as developed as I thought. Thanks. 

is it supposed to be a story…? 

cuz if not, no sense twistin it into one. 

Fry is for tripping not for hell, 

shoulda guessed it. 

been a really long time since i heard someone use that phrase. 

  awfully paranoid, arent you?   

January 9, 2016
3:25 am
Mr. Tidwell
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Sorta, it’s a bit disjointed. The story is basically the title depression, thoughts of suicide, drugs are gooood mmmmmkay, the next verse is gonna be more about how the time out on drugs gives you a chance to sorta reboot and regroup.

 

The video is gonna be more clear on the story this is just like trying my best to make the video worth watching on the music tip so i can send it to rock it or sock it. 

 

January 9, 2016
3:27 am
Mr. Tidwell
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JiffyLong said
When I read that, I read it in a DJScrubb style flow, and voice. I like it. 

Dj scrubb will undoubtedly be better at rapping than me as this will be my second ever attempt. And the first one sucked balls

 

February 15, 2016
12:39 pm
Reʞluse
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only help i can say is u have 1 extra line in your 1st verse

its makeing ur verse impossible to land right with flow unless u force(which wont sound right)

other than that idk how to help u at this point

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