June 5, 2020
21 Guests and 2 Members Online

Please consider Sign Uping
guest

sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Sign Up

Sign Up | Lost password?
Advanced Search

— Forum Scope —




— Match —





— Forum Options —





Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters

No permission to create posts
sp_TopicIcon
What do yall think of my Poem writing skills?
December 17, 2013
3:16 am
Demented Smoka
Demented Smoka
Member
Forum Posts: 343
132
Whoops Received: 66
Whoops Given: 159
Member Since:
July 26, 2013
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I’ve been meaning to do this for awhile but haven’t, but here’s some shit I wrote last year want some criticism on so I seem a little more interesting less pompous. Sorry if this poem seems remedial.

 

I’m a killa for reala and I’m filling the milla

The deala is skrilla so I’m willing to peel ya

Cap back with a pap pap, when the gat click clack back

Ya wig crack back, it’s a sad fact, oh well that’s that

You don’t wanna fuck wit, the bullet that the gun spit

I’m about to bust it, reload and dump clips

You just better gone* get hurry up run quick

Before you move you done hit, no brains dumb shit 

What’s this bullshit sqauking that I hear

Yo crew seagulls flocking at the pier

I drop in yall walking outta here

*pronounced like gun

I know it’s short and braggadocio but if pursue music and writing it’ll either be as a realest or real animated as opposed to the standard shit rappers talk about. thanks for peeping it! 

December 17, 2013
3:50 am
Demented Smoka
Demented Smoka
Member
Forum Posts: 343
132
Whoops Received: 66
Whoops Given: 159
Member Since:
July 26, 2013
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Just in case that was a let down due to lack of content I put another “poem” i wrote last month. FYI i don’t write much but think this is the fisrt step writing. Yall don’t care about my feellings either way so if you like it’s encouragement and if you dawg it becomes a challenge to impress you.

 

Lyrically you’re fearing me

Cause I’m not what I appear to be

Clearly you’re a bitch already tearing see

Words causing tyranny

Cause I’m tyrannical yo, of whack rappers this planet is full

Swag jackers can’t handle this flow

Imaculate yo, the tactics they show

Heart of a warrior with an animal soul

Start of a fire so candle gets blown

Take of your crown and pass me the thrown

Low and behold I’m showing these foes

How flowing street goes, while pimps be strolling these hoes

Not knowing the ropes folding like notes

Under pressure, now I done upset ya

Cause I schooled you when you didn’t come correct bruh

Running through fool you know I’m gonna get ya 

With a miraculous vernacular that attacks back and tackles ya 

So ravenous and damaged that you need a hazmat to handle the

Fury of my flow so hurry up and go

Your stirring up my know

I need to get my mentals straight back to a simple state

With words I’ll put you in the grave

I body em all after I drop em quick

The shotty’ll call from my esophagus 

Now the only option is

Facing a verbal buckshot, Tasting what you heard from one though

Now all your doing is laying there wasting you worthless dumb twat

I murdered son WHAT

 

I think about now and realize what I’m asking for and hope I’m prepared. I see two blatant things yall could diss but we’ll see.

December 17, 2013
6:32 am
scruffy
scruffy
Moderator
Forum Posts: 11447
7062
Whoops Received: 3531
Whoops Given: 3145
Member Since:
May 22, 2012
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

thats some fine poetry writin, there.  

 

i particularly like the asterisk leading to the footnote, thus giving us the proper pronunciation cue.  

  

  awfully paranoid, arent you?   

December 17, 2013
12:20 pm
OCJ_Brendan
OCJ_Brendan
Springfield VA
Member
Forum Posts: 6148
1660
Whoops Received: 830
Whoops Given: 625
Member Since:
August 27, 2012
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I dig the first one, I really dig the second one…good work mang…

"Somewhere theres a Waffle House thats severely understaffed right now" -OCJ to Scruffy watching a second stage act at the Gathering.

December 17, 2013
6:12 pm
Demented Smoka
Demented Smoka
Member
Forum Posts: 343
132
Whoops Received: 66
Whoops Given: 159
Member Since:
July 26, 2013
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hell yeah, thanks scruff and brendan! I appreciate the fact you read it and actually liked it. Gives me hope that this will eventually be more than poetry. Word to the PoTaTo BoYs too

April 28, 2014
12:57 am
Demented Smoka
Demented Smoka
Member
Forum Posts: 343
132
Whoops Received: 66
Whoops Given: 159
Member Since:
July 26, 2013
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I just finished writing a poem for the forum and need everyone’s criticism. It’s not the freshest rhyme but I tried to come correct.  It makes no sense at all and ends weird but it’s some decent wicked shit. 

 

I emulate the wicked shit and emanate such vicious spit

It desecrates a hypocrite that defecates not giving shits

If you fear my flow with active hatin’ you get lyrical lacerations

Perpetuate decapitation

Set you and Death a date, ya have to face him

My words’ll put you in a lucid nightmare

Just verbs’ll choke ‘til ya blue from light air

Whether you need to die or have to live

The action is described by the adjective

Not H-O-K but this shit’ll make ya ears bleed

It’s a okay and safe to say the world hates and fears me

Been defeated feel the agony change to anger

A conceited killa tragically manglin’ strangers

I’m damaged and troubled, stay manic and shuffle

Debating to release you from the attic while you panic and stuggle

I wish this habit was humble but it just randomly rumbles

Causing havoc in jumbles

The voices talking and I can’t manage the mumbles

I didn’t plan to be consumed by insanity and having it constantly grab at me

So I dug my brain out my head with a spoon just because I had to see

April 28, 2014
5:36 am
The Notorious, L.T.B.
The Notorious, L.T.B.
Fort Wayne, IN
Member
Forum Posts: 4001
16
Whoops Received: 8
Whoops Given: 0
Member Since:
May 29, 2013
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Meh. Good vocabulary though.

Blood rains down from an angry sky! My cock rages on! My cock rages on!

April 28, 2014
7:31 am
PunkRockJuggalo
PunkRockJuggalo
Moderator
Forum Posts: 6559
404
Whoops Received: 202
Whoops Given: 36
Member Since:
August 12, 2012
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I won’t lie i have not check it out yet. More than likely i won’t check it out either.

 

I’m just replying to say THANK YOU for continuing in your already started thread and not creating another one.

April 28, 2014
8:31 am
Sean Law
Sean Law
Member
Forum Posts: 3351
120
Whoops Received: 60
Whoops Given: 16
Member Since:
February 24, 2014
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

lol PRJ. I read the first line and that’s it. but you should start checking stuff out, you might find something you like

I'll fuck you till you love me, Faggot!

-Tyson

April 28, 2014
9:03 am
The Warlock
The Warlock
New Mexico
Member
Forum Posts: 11368
3546
Whoops Received: 1773
Whoops Given: 2
Member Since:
March 31, 2012
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

haha i prob skipped over this thread months ago cuz i thought there was actual poetry in here haha but yeah i didnt like the 1st one.. overall the 2nd one was generally pretty good but bounced around too much to me.. 3rd one again generally good and well written but theres definite flaws lyrical rappers will laugh at nowadays.. 

 

If you fear my flow with active hatin’ you get lyrical lacerations

 

its really hard to explain how this type of writing is wack.. basically its cuz no one talks like that in real life.. “fear my flow” & “active hatin” are what we call forced multis.. words that are forced together to rhyme that dont fit well.. plus the fact they actually were used as a set up to “lyrical laceration”… but yeah.. all thats like some old shit that wouldve been dope a decade ago.. & ftr im sure i wrote like that 3-4 years ago so i aint acting like im way above it.. im just sayin..

April 28, 2014
9:46 am
Sean Law
Sean Law
Member
Forum Posts: 3351
120
Whoops Received: 60
Whoops Given: 16
Member Since:
February 24, 2014
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I don’t like it seeing that this is not who this person is. if it is, this person has serious issues. i skimmed through a couple lines, and im just not really interested in reading anymore. i wouldent call it a poem because its not you as a person, but your just writing probably due to the music your influenced by.

I'll fuck you till you love me, Faggot!

-Tyson

April 28, 2014
1:08 pm
Demented Smoka
Demented Smoka
Member
Forum Posts: 343
132
Whoops Received: 66
Whoops Given: 159
Member Since:
July 26, 2013
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks for the feedback everyone, especially warlock. I get what you mean buy it being forced, it’s a bad habit. I appreciate that anyone checked the thread out. btw I just call it poetry cause that’s what OCJ_Brendan would call it. Sean law, I’m definitely not this person but dig horror somewhat and decided to write it. I think warlock is right when he says it sounds dated because my biggest influences are from the golden era.

And LTB, thank you. I pride myself on my vocab sadly enough.

April 28, 2014
1:40 pm
Sean Law
Sean Law
Member
Forum Posts: 3351
120
Whoops Received: 60
Whoops Given: 16
Member Since:
February 24, 2014
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

well if that’s what you like to write about, then by all means don’t stop. Theres no rules to poetry I guess.

I'll fuck you till you love me, Faggot!

-Tyson

April 28, 2014
2:04 pm
Demented Smoka
Demented Smoka
Member
Forum Posts: 343
132
Whoops Received: 66
Whoops Given: 159
Member Since:
July 26, 2013
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Sean Law said
well if that’s what you like to write about, then by all means don’t stop. Theres no rules to poetry I guess.

Not really too much into the blood and guts, I just made an attempt at the wicked shit. I really don’t know WHAT in the fuck to write about. Horror is easy subject matter but I’m not being descriptive enough. The only thing I think write about nicely is my life. maybe world views. nice encouragement though.

April 28, 2014
2:57 pm
Psyral Infection
Psyral Infection
#ModBot
Moderator
Forum Posts: 3916
2198
Whoops Received: 1099
Whoops Given: 1189
Member Since:
February 15, 2014
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Better than my poetry though. Here’s my attempt…

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I like peanut butter,
Can you skate?

Yeah.gif
April 28, 2014
2:59 pm
entrappedmind
entrappedmind
Member
Forum Posts: 695
34
Whoops Received: 17
Whoops Given: 5
Member Since:
March 8, 2014
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Demented Smoka said 

I really don’t know WHAT in the fuck to write about.

 

In my experience, as far as poetry is concerned (as opposed to rap, which I know zilch about), you’re missing the key ingredient. If you don’t know what to write about, you obviously don’t have inspiration. Without inspiration, anything you write will seem false or forced. Once you have a reason to write, aside from the simple desire to write something, it’ll all come together for you.

 

Also, one other bit of advice – decide whether you’re trying to write a poem or a rap. There are major differences between the two, which probably explains why I’ve always been able to write poetry without much struggle, but can’t get a rap to come together no matter how I try.

April 28, 2014
3:20 pm
Sean Law
Sean Law
Member
Forum Posts: 3351
120
Whoops Received: 60
Whoops Given: 16
Member Since:
February 24, 2014
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

dude just write how you feel inside. poetry is a form of self expression and ventilation, much like music. if your goin through some shit then write about it. if your pondering something then jot it down. just aslong as it comes from your heart, mind, soul, and balls, then you can never fail yourself no matter what anyone else thinks about it cuz its all yours.

I'll fuck you till you love me, Faggot!

-Tyson

April 28, 2014
3:51 pm
Demented Smoka
Demented Smoka
Member
Forum Posts: 343
132
Whoops Received: 66
Whoops Given: 159
Member Since:
July 26, 2013
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Sean Law said
dude just write how you feel inside. poetry is a form of self expression and ventilation, much like music. if your goin through some shit then write about it. if your pondering something then jot it down. just aslong as it comes from your heart, mind, soul, and balls, then you can never fail yourself no matter what anyone else thinks about it cuz its all yours.

word, that’s real

entrappedmind said

Demented Smoka said 

I really don’t know WHAT in the fuck to write about.

 

In my experience, as far as poetry is concerned (as opposed to rap, which I know zilch about), you’re missing the key ingredient. If you don’t know what to write about, you obviously don’t have inspiration. Without inspiration, anything you write will seem false or forced. Once you have a reason to write, aside from the simple desire to write something, it’ll all come together for you.

 

Also, one other bit of advice – decide whether you’re trying to write a poem or a rap. There are major differences between the two, which probably explains why I’ve always been able to write poetry without much struggle, but can’t get a rap to come together no matter how I try.

I call it poetry as joke because I don’t have access to a mic. I think you’re close by calling it a lack of inspiration. I think I know what to do just necessarily how to do it. I feel inspired by listening to other artists and feel I have a sense of inspiriation, but need to increase my drive. Thanks for the feedback!

April 28, 2014
7:14 pm
Psyral Infection
Psyral Infection
#ModBot
Moderator
Forum Posts: 3916
2198
Whoops Received: 1099
Whoops Given: 1189
Member Since:
February 15, 2014
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ok, being serious here. How do you find “inspiration”? I don’t seem to know how to tap any kind of creativity. I don’t think I have ever had an original thought. Everything I think seems to come from ideas I have picked up from others and patched together to form “my” thoughts. I really envy people with creativity. I am classified as a “genius” due to high scores on tests. I don’t consider myself smart, just excellent at tests. My IQ is 153 (which only means I am good at taking IQ tests). Unfortunately that does not translate to originality or creativity.

Is anyone else in this boat? How do find that spark that lets you go beyond your limits and be truly creative?

Yeah.gif
April 28, 2014
7:47 pm
Slumerican502
Slumerican502
Louisville, Kentucky
Member
Forum Posts: 4569
1528
Whoops Received: 764
Whoops Given: 32
Member Since:
December 3, 2012
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

^^ I think about this all the time. What seperates great minds and people who learn from them. Like for instance the guy who made laser technology that reads cd’s and turns it into music, splitting the atom,  and harnessing electricity. You could put me in the woods and give me ten thousand years to live and id still be a fucking savage when it was over.

Even this message I type is going to bounce off of a fucking satellite in space and enter into a virtual hub that doesnt physically exist, yet people who have the same interests as me are going to be reading across the country. Instantly. Fucking beautiful.

It just amazes me what humans are capable of. It gives me hope.

 

No permission to create posts
Forum Timezone: America/Chicago

Most Users Ever Online: 591

Currently Online: Carnivalkilla44, the_proud_smack
21 Guest(s)

Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)

Top Posters:

The Warlock: 11368

King Lucem Ferre: 8811

Old Mr Dangerous: 7755

OCJ_Brendan: 6148

krunk: 5953

patjoyce: 4891

Top Whooped Members:

scruffy: 3531

Old Mr Dangerous: 2695

krunk: 2499

Drunkalo: 2354

King Lucem Ferre: 2068

The Warlock: 1773

Forum Stats:

Groups: 6

Forums: 28

Topics: 11198

Posts: 228055

Newest Members:

ill Nino, cialixmale63, 黄之地5, huangzhidi3, Jumpshot17, JosepNelso

Moderators: GanjaGoblin: 2759, Psyral Infection: 3916, bozodklown: 295, scruffy: 11447, PunkRockJuggalo: 6559, Pigg: 6184

Administrators: admin: 0, ScottieD: 838