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Hatchetman
The Masked Ninja's Reports.
October 20, 2017
5:17 pm
backstabber
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I wonder what Tom (Dubb) Cox looks like now?

October 21, 2017
12:20 am
Oolong Johnson
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The Masked Ninja's Report #10 - Saturday October 23rd - 1999 - Grand Junction, CO

Today was especially cool because we all knew that after tonight's show, we get two days off. Hell yeah. In Denver too! We fuckin' love Denver! Nobody in our entire crew has ever been to, or even heard of Grand Junction, Colorado, but the show is sold out at 800 Juggalos. It's been sold out for almost a month, so we are all happy to be here. I woke up at about 4:00 PM. We lost an hour switching time zones, so actually it was like 5:00 PM when I finally got up. I woke everybody up right away because everybody told me to wake them up earlier from now on.

Vegas had thrown everybody off schedule, and now everyone sleeps until 6:00 PM everyday and we can't be doing that shit. We've got too much shit to do during the day like hit malls, hit recording studios, find Colombo videos, take J to get his psycho meds, or get new tattoos. You know... daytime shit. Shit you can only get done before the show. I don't know how these other bands out there do it, but with ICP and Twiztid, it's mad easier because they refuse to do any press. When touring, most bands out there do it at least an hour or two worth of press everyday, whether it'll be radio interviews, newspaper interviews, or just meet and greets with local record label folks.

But with ICP and Twiztid, they've been burned and dissed so many times, that now they refuse to ever do media at all. If they do, it's only for special reasons or for special people and shit like that. As far as meeting local label people, forget about that shit. ICP and Twiztid hates 99% of the people at Island / Def Jam. So most label folks are too scared to even try to stop by and say hi. Back to my story. When everybody finally woke up, it was so late, we didn't really have anytime to do shit. Rude Boy went to get food and everybody else sat around in the bus playing their CD's. The Pimps hit the stage... it was show time baby. They give ICP and Twiztid lots of props during their show, but they don't really mean any of it. They just want to make sure that ICP and Twiztid fans dig their shit too.

It's always like that. Every band has to go through what the Pimps are going through. That's called paying dues. You have to get out there and play for a crowd that ain't there to see you. You must win the fans over. If you're good, you can do it, but if you suck, then you're out. It's a good thing for the Pimps that they're dope on stage, cause the Juggalos like them and accept them. If the Pimps sucked, they'd have bottles and quarters lodged in their faces. The Pimps are good at what they do so their time out here is time well spent. Bull all that giving props to ICP and Twiztid ain't really necessary, cause Juggalos know what's up with that shit. The Pimps can hold their own.

Rude Boy went on stage next with his announcements about the Big 3. Yeah, every night Rude Boy hits the stage to remind the Juggalos that there are 3 major things that they can buy at the show that will never be available again. We just call them... The Big 3. The first item is the ultra rare, bootleg album of brand new material called, "Psychopathic Rydas - Dumpin". You might have read about this in the credits to The Amazing Jeckel Brothers. It's that gangsta rap album which has ICP, Twiztid, Blaze, and Myzery all doing gangsta raps over other rappers beats. That shit is crazy as hell. Its hard to believe that even after they've gone Platinum twice, that ICP is still into doing bootlegs and breaking copyright laws, just like they did when they were just an unknown local band.

The second major thing for sale is another bootleg album of brand new music called "Psychopathic From Outer Space". This CD just like the Rydas, is compiled of shit that ICP ain't supposed to be releasing. This one has songs that couldn't make it on the Jeckel Brothers album because of illegal samples. So instead of just letting them rot away, ICP just decided to put them out themselves with out Island's or even Psychopathic's help. Yup, both The Psychopathic Rydas and the Psychopathics From Outer Space albums were manufactured and pressed up on "Joe and Joey Records". That way only Joe and Joey are to blame... Joe and Joey, in case you didn't know, are "Joe Bruce" and "Joey Ustler" -aka- "Violent J and Shaggy". ICP don't give a fuck about getting sued at all.

They have nothing to lose anyway. Nothing is in their name. They own nothing. No money, no cars, no nothing. Jail time ain't nothing new to them either. They've both seen the jailhouse too many times to mention. The 3rd major thing for sale only on this tour is that biggest bootleg of them all. Stranglemania 2! Ninjas have waited for this video to come out for years. In case you didn't already know, Stranglemania is a videotape compiled of Japanese Death Wrestling. It's got Thumb Tack Matches, Barbed Wire Matches, Exploding Ring Matches, and all that crazy shit. ICP first released Stranglemania 1 back in 1995 and it's become a Juggalo cult favorite since then.

Well, finally, FINALLY, they have released Stranglemania Part 2 and that's the 3rd major item that fans can buy ONLY on this tour. Well, now that the plugs are in, back to what I was saying before... Rude Boy had went up on stage to make his announcement about the Big 3 and his microphone didn't work at first. That pissed him off, but I don't even think any fans noticed that shit at all. He grabbed another mic and all was well. Rude Boy was followed up by Twiztid who of course who destroyed that crowd. it was the bomb as usual. Then ICP ripped the house down. Today's show seemed flawless. Everybody in the crew loved the show and had a great time. Of course the club is suing us for damages though. But what would an ICP show be without a few thousand in club damages, right?

After the show, Dougie brought these two super hot hoes backstage for ICP or whoever wanted to kick it with them. These bitches looked super fine and right away J wanted to get with one of them. The bitches said they were going to follow the bus back to the hotel and so everybody headed out. Of course the two skanks didn't follow shit. Then left us all hangin'. When we got to the hotel, after we all showered and pinched loafs, we walked a few blocks down the street to Denny's. As soon as we walked in, we knew right away that we made a mistake by coming here. The place was packed with hound dogs. 1000's of them. On top of that, the waiter was this 7 foot tall, flaming homo, with a blond bushy mustache and an 80's style boofy haircut. We all turned around and headed right back to the telly. By the time we got back the crew bus was there. Everybody hung out in the crew bus for about 20 minutes and talked about the show while watching a soft-core porno that was on the TV.

After that, we got in our bus and headed out with the crew bus right behind us. We found this little truck stop restaurant and we all piled into it. This turned out to be a good move because the food was the bomb. The place was empty except for us. Everybody loved eating there. It was Psychopathic leather coats everywhere you looked. Our crew filled that tiny place. The people were cool, the food was good, and the ninjas were winning big on the claw machine. After we all ate, everybody just basically headed for our bunks. Shaggy, Twiztid, and Dougie all watches some stupid truck stop video in the back of the bus. I think it was "The Best of America's Funniest Home Videos" or some bullshit like that.

Everybody else just hit the sac. Inferno watches a Colombo re-run in his bunk I think. Rude Boy always watches something in his bunk. It might have been that old ass movie called "The Jerk". Violent J was fast asleep, Bart was driving, and I stayed up to write this. But swerving through these mountains on your way to Denver and typing this at the same time is making me dizzy... so I'm out. Tomorrow we'll all wake up and begin our 2 days off in Denver. Well everyone but me gets 2 days off actually. I'll taking notes all day and writing this all night, just for you... The Juggalos. Until tomorrow, peace.

Whoop Whoop Oolong Johnson :

scruffy, kingshiro, Cosmos
October 21, 2017
9:43 am
Chuckieboy
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So who was this? Im clueless about shit at this point in time. I havent heard much about forced entry, so it must not be will lol.

October 21, 2017
10:57 am
Oolong Johnson
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 A shame that the Godsmack/Dark Lotus collab didnt work out

October 21, 2017
2:30 pm
scruffy
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Chuckieboy said     
So who was this? Im clueless about shit at this point in time. I havent heard much about forced entry, so it must not be will lol.     

j.  

Whoop Whoop scruffy :

Chuckieboy

  awfully paranoid, arent you?   

October 23, 2017
1:28 am
Oolong Johnson
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The Masked Ninja's Report #11 - Sunday October 24th - 1999 - Denver, CO.

We had the day off today. No show, no in-store, no nothing. I woke up at 12:00 and Rude Boy and Violent J were also just waking up. The hills and mountains we drove through last night had everybody's ears popping like mutha fuckas. Billy Bill went and rented 2 vans for us to use on the next two days off. The hotel we're staying at is in a crack neighborhood. There are hookers and crack heads everywhere you look. Rude Boy, Violent J, and myself all enjoyed a plastic cup full of delicious Fruity Pebbles for breakfast in the bus, and then we made our way into the hotel. Right off the bat things were crazy. First of all, there was about 75 hippies all over the parking lot.

There was also another 50 or so in the hotel. Turns out that the Grateful Dead have reunited under a new name or some shit like that and they played a show here in Denver last night. So all of them following hippies were still lingering around and slowly heading out to the Dead's next city I guess. Not one said a word to us despite the fact that we had two giant buses and 2 giant semi-trucks all in the parking lot that big as day with "INSANE CLOWN POSSE" plastered right on them. These hippie people gave no fucks at all about ICP. Then when we got to the lobby, the lead singer from Skid Row was standing there! Sebastian Bach himself was just standing there chillin' in a pair of patent leather tights, about 9 thousand bracelets and necklaces and hair down to his wolf rocker ass.

Rude Boy recognized him right off the bat. Me and J had no fuckin' idea who this crazy looking ninja was. He, however, knew who J was, because he looked at us and started to say something but we just walked right by him and headed down the other hall to our room. From what I could tell, Sebastian was also stunned by all the hippies standing around everywhere and then here comes ICP out of nowhere. I know him and J had to be wondering what the hell was going on. Once we got inside the room I took a shit (I just figured I'd let you know that important information). J and Rude stayed in the room until Billy Bill and them got back with the vans. Once they did, we all came out, and by then all the hippies were gone and so was the Skid Row guy. Half the ninjas stayed asleep and the other half jumped in the vans with us. Rob Tre, Squeaky, Steve, Billy Bill, and Patrick all stayed behind.

Me, Monoxide, Inferno, Rude Boy, Violent J, Dougie Doug, and Jamie Madrox all rolled out to check out the city of Denver. The first place we hit was this one strip of record stores just off of Colfax St. It's a popular part of town for hip-hop heads. They have hip hop raver clothing stores everywhere, skate board shops, and record stores all over this trip. These record stores are great for DJ's cause they got tons of vinyl. We dropped Shaggy and Rude Boy off there to marinate for a while. Shaggy likes to spend thousands of hours looking through Vinyl records. See, he's a DJ, and all DJ's love to collect vinyl, and Shaggy collects vinyl everywhere he goes. As far as why the Rude Boy wanted to stay, I have no idea. Maybe he's thinking about becoming a raver kid or something.

The next place we went to was called the 16th Street Mall. It's a big ass place for shopping in downtown Denver. I guess they said that it's over a mile long or something. They got everything an indoor mall has and more. We went into a Virgin Mega Store and quickly got hound dogged. Ninjas were coming from all corners and crevices. They followed J around that store like he was Noah leading the animals to the Ark. They offered to scratch his butt for him while he decided which CD's to buy. After that, we went into a Mr. Rags to see what kind of shit they had.

Inside, there was these 3 bitches that were working for commission. You know what I'm talking about... if they help you buy something, they get a cut from the store. So the minute we walked in, they swarmed us and tried to sell us shit: "Oh, you'd look great in this wool turtle neck... wow... that looks hot on you... here, try on these pompoms... yeah... that matches these green bell bottoms..." We heard all that shit. We stayed in here for about 30 seconds and turned around and walked right the fuck out. We hate them fuckin' places. Them commissions people make me sick. But now we were starving so we decided to head out. There was so many ninjas following us, that we had no choice but to be dick heads to them. We just stopped walking and then turned around and Madrox said "What the fuck? You just gonna follow us around like we're a pack of naked bitches or something? Get the fuck off us!".

They all ran away like roaches. (Look y'all, here's some advice: If you ever see somebody that you think is famous or whatever, either walk up and get you an autograph, or just leave them alone. Whatever you do, don't just stare and follow them around like a bitch, especially ICP or Twiztid. Believe me, they'll be quick to check your ass over that shit!). Finally we jumped back in our van and bolted back towards the hotel. We stopped at a Wendy's. The place was nasty and dirty and funky, but I think I was the only one that was bothered. Nobody else said anything about it but me.

Even the food was horrible... to me, I guess. We got back to the hotel and we hooked up with Billy Bill, Rob Tre, Squeaky and Steve. They were all finally ready to do something. Rude Boy and Shaggy were just getting back from them record stores as well. They had thousands of vinyl records of everything from Juice Newton to MC Ren. We all just chilled for about an hour and then we all decided to go to the movies. We jumped in both the vans and headed back to the 16th Street Mall. When we got there, we parked the vans and walked a long ass way looking for the theater. Along the way, these two hot bitches walked up to us and started kickin' it with Violent J and Monoxide Child out of nowhere. They talked for a long time while we sat around and made this crack head guy dance like Michael Jackson for $25 bucks. next thing we knew, J and Mono were out with them hoes.

The chicks had a car and so they all took off up to a spring pond in the mountain. According to these two hoes, there's this natural pond of hot water up in the mountains and no matter how cold it is outside, the water is always hot like a hot tub. J and Monoxide wanted to see that shit, so they left with the chicks to go check it out. The funny thing before they left, J blatantly asked Shaggy for a condom right in front of the two hoes. Shaggy gave J two Jimmy Hats and they left out in the bitches bucket. After J and Monoxide all the sudden got flavor like that, the rest of us got jealous! We all said fuck the movies, and we all decided to hit a titty bar instead. So we ran back to the vans and headed to the nearest titty bar. Titties, beer, titties, beet and titties is all I remember from here on.

We got to the spot and we all started drinking. Especially me. I drank too much. I remember a few things though, like I remember Shaggy getting crazy live and dancing up on the stage next to a titty dancer. That much I do remember. But that's it. They put me in one of the vans and sent me home with Rob Tre early. I was too drunk and I could hardly walk. I feel like an ass. However, at least I didn't throw up, but still, I was lame. I'll admit it. Its the morning now at about 1:00 PM on Monday and this is what I've gathered for you. J and Monoxide are still gone. They haven't been seen since they left with them two hoes. Maybe they downed up in the hot water thing. Rude Boy is fine, he's down the street getting a tattoo on Colfax Street. He's getting a Mexican pride symbol I guess.

Billy Bill and Inferno were both released this morning from jail at about 10:00 PM. They just had to spend the night in jail but no charges are being pressed. Plus they had to pay this guy from Denny's $700 dollars... I guess after the titty bar, they went into a Denny's and couldn't control themselves. According to Jamie Madrox, Shaggy, and Dougie Doug who say they seen the whole thing, this is what happened... After the titty bar, Stave and Squeaky left with 2 dancer chicks. The rest of the gang went for some food in the van. They got lost and found a Denny's out in the Denver suburbs. They went inside and saw their favorite thing... The Claw Machine. Together, they spent over $50 trying to get this one cool looking silver vampire stuffed animal from inside of it.

Bully finally got pissed and punched the glass, and it shattered. Inferno's drunk ass reached in and started throwing stuffed animals all over the place. Everybody else was clapping and Billy Bill and Inferno got arrested for that shit minutes later. The cops believed Billy's story that it was an accident and Denny's was cool about it. They wouldn't of even had to spend the night in jail if Inferno's bitch ass hadn't throw the fuckin' stuffed animals everywhere. Anyway, Steve and Squeaky made out the best from last night. Here's their story: They stayed at the titty bar until it closed, and then left home with 2 dancers.

When they got to the hoes apartment, the two tittie dancers fucked the shit out of both of them and then switches partners!!! On top of that, the 2 chicks were freaking on each other too! That's the best, however let's just hope that Steve, and Squeaky weren't too drunk last night. What if during all the switching, they ended up on each other??? HEY!!! Relax, I'm only playing! If J and Monoxide ever make it back, I'll tell you what happened with them in tomorrow's report. Peace.

Whoop Whoop Oolong Johnson :

scruffy, kingshiro, Cosmos
October 23, 2017
11:42 am
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Man these reports are a trip. I totally forgot about that shit. Some of this shit makes you wonder if ICP or Twiztid or anyone else actually ever read these reports because some of it is more or less incriminating. Dude getting with a 17 year old girl, talking about bumming and/or buying prescription pain pills, that kind of shit. The amount of detail about their day to day lives at the time is surprising but interesting as hell. I remember being pumped about the idea of Godsmack and Dark Lotus collaborating, bummer that never happened. That could be super badass. 

October 23, 2017
2:05 pm
djscrubb
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Gotta remember tho dude, this was almost 20 years ago!!!  Totally different world now, with the whole opioid epidemic and what not.  But I was thinking the same thing too......MAD interesting. 

October 23, 2017
10:41 pm
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The Masked Ninja’s Report #12 - Wednesday, November 10th 1999. Providence, RI.

 

Yeah, yeah, I know. I been slackin’ like a bitch. I been gone from October 25th to November 9th, 1999. Those reports were never written and I’ll tell you why. First of all, late at night on Oct. 25th, I went to type up that day’s report and to my surprise, my laptop’s screen was dead. Without the computer to write the reports on, I was stuck. 4 days later, the tour reached Detroit. We got my computer fixed and it was all good. Suddenly, AP magazine calls me up and asks me to do an exclusive story for them! They wanted me to write a "Backstage, In The Life Of ICP" piece for their magazine. You see AP (Alternative Press) has named ICP "Band of the Year" for 1999!

They’re going to do a major cover story on ICP for their big year end issue, and they wanted my help with the story! They needed some of my backstage, secret info to make the story more exclusive than any other ICP story ever written. Of course I said "Yes" with the quickness! It’s rare for any major magazine to show ICP love, let alone name them BAND OF THE YEAR! With that in mind, I wanted to help our homies at AP in anyway I can. So I skipped out on putting any more web site reports up from then until now. Those were ICP’s big Hallowicked Shows in Detroit and I figured people would really want to know what’s going on backstage at those major gigs.

So I gave them reports exclusively to AP. In other words, if you want the reports for October 29th to 31st, you’ll have to get AP’s big year end issue with ICP on the cover. That should hit stands nationwide sometime in December. Yeah, after Oct. 31st, I could have started doing these reports again for you on the web site, but I just got lazy. The Hallowicked reports for AP are extra long and they contain lots and lots of super secret info, so after writing that big one, I took a few days off. 10 to be exact. Well, I’m back now so you can finally quit bitching.

Anyway, last night was some crazy ass shit. Squeaky, Rob Tre, and Nathan all got arrested for assault and vandalism. I’ll get to that in a minute… We got to Providence early. We had two days off to just chill here in town. Violent J flew home for them 2 days to hit the studio. Dark Lotus is doing a song with Krazie Bone from Bone Thugs & Harmony. J’s really excited about it, so he flew home to cut his vocals early. He says when the Carnival is calling, then it has to happen right away. Shaggy gets like that too. He could have just did then with everybody else tomorrow night in New York, but he got too geeked up I guess. He kept claiming that carnival shit.

So he was gone and the rest of us just say around the hotel rooms the last 2 days drinking and fuckin’ with these bitches we met. These punk ass locals were having a hotel party in the same hotel we were at and they kept messin’ with us. We all knew it was going down, we just didn’t know when. It finally happened at 5:00 in the morning. The party was ending and it was only about 4 dickheads left in their room. (I’m really not even supposed to be talking about this shit because it happened yesterday and not today, but it’s some what interesting so I’ll fill you in a bit!) To make a long story short, we were all just standing around outside hangin' out by the bus. One of the dickheads came out and took a piss off the balcony. While this asshole was standing there pissing, he was looking over at us. Finally he said, "ICP ain’t shit" and laughed.

Then the dick went back inside. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Finally, ninjas from our crew who will remain unnamed, ran up to the dickhead’s hotel room and fuckin’ kicked the door in. The 4 dickheads inside were shook as fuck. One of them ran in the bathroom and tried to lock the door. Nope, he moved too slowly. Then the dick ripped the fuckin’ toilet seat off and tried to use it as a weapon! Well, he ended up with that toilet seat upside his own skill 30 or 40 times. Another dickhead jumped off the balcony to escape.

The dickheads tried to fight back but they got their asses beat something terrible. They deserved every bit of it too. They didn’t stop talking shit to us all fuckin’ night. Finally the police showed up and arrested Squeak, Rob Tre, and Nathan! They didn’t even have anything to do with it! They were in another room at the hotel the whole time! They were fuckin’ sleeping! The cops took them in because they were the only ones from our crew still around when they got there. When it was all said and done, Squeak and the guys got Assault and Vandalism charges to face down the road here in Providence. The dickhead in the bathroom (also the biggest shit talker of the bunch) was left with a broken jaw and two broken cheek bones. No lie.

That’s what the police / hospital report stated. The dickhead that jumped off the balcony got away I guess. The other 2 dickheads just got the standard beat down. A few black eyes and fat lips but no broken shit I guess. We bailed the guys out of jail this morning and… I was asleep when Tom Dub and Dougie went and bailed everyone out so I couldn’t tell you what happened there. When I woke up it was about 4:00 PM. We were parked outside the airport waiting for J to arrive. He showed up about 2 minutes after I woke up and right when he walked in the bus, he started yelling for everyone to wake up.

Shaggy was already awake because he had a bitch chillin’ with him. She works at a radio station in Boston. He hooked up with her the last time we were in Boston, and she drove down to Providence to see him. While J was screaming for everybody to wake up he and Shaggy decided to open Jamie Madrox’s bunk and yank him out. It’s about a 4 foot drop. J grabbed his leg and Shaggy grabbed his arm. Jamie was sound asleep when they yanked him out. It was hella funny because while they were pulling him out, his pants came down and his naked ass fell out.

He was still asleep when he hit the floor and he was so fuckin' stunned about what was going on, that it took him damn near 5 minutes to realize what had happened. It was the funniest thing that’s happened in days. Everybody started kicking and slapping his naked ass and all Jamie did was lay there on the floor stunned and steady trying to figure out what the hell was going on. We drove back to the hotel listening to J’s rap about a thousand times. It was dope. We got to the hotel and after hearing about all the drama that happened the night before, J wanted us to stay at a different hotel. Even though everybody was starving, we had to find another hotel right then and there.

It took us about and hour, but we finally found one on the other side of town. We checked in and ate in the new hotel’s restaurant. After we ate, we headed right to the venue. Its called Lupo’s. ICP had played here twice before, but they ain’t been here in over a year and a half. Tonight’s show was sold out at 1500 ninjas. When we pulled up, the line outside to get in was incredible. I’m guessing at least 500 people must have got shut out. The line was about 3 blocks long and 5 people wide. It looked like a giant human snake… wait a minute; a human snake would be a dick, right? Then it looked like a giant line of people, I guess!

We walked inside and right away J saw this hot alternative chick that he liked. She worked there. She had on a leather mini skirt and crazy blue hair. When we got to the dressing room, J told Tom Dub to go ask her is she has a boyfriend. I went with Dub to go find out. We found her and Tom Dub very nicely said to her "Hey, I’m with ICP. One of the guys wanted me to ask you if you’re seeing anybody." She looked pissed! She was some how, for some reason offended by this. What a fuckin’ bitch or as our homie Vampiro would say… "What a fuckin’ cunt! (Twiztid loves that word too by the way).

She was a dumb bitch and she should have been slapped for that. How can bitches get mad about shit like that? I don’t get it. All he did was ask if she has a boyfriend! They should be flattered that anyone is interested, but instead they get offended and pissed when you try to holler at them. Fuck that. Somehow, I was 5 times more pissed about her shitty attitude than J was. The doors opened and The Pimps took to the stage. They did extra good tonight. We like those guys more and more everyday. Twiztid and ICP both say they think its super cool how during their sets, the Pimps are always checkin’ them out and bobbin’ their heads to the music and all that.

Most bands we always tour with act like their too good to stay and watch the other bands. The Pimps however are always quick to represent. We like them guys. They’re OK ninjas. Twiztid hit the stage next. Nothing was different about tonight’s set than any other Twiztid set. They fuckin’ rocked the entire building. Ninja's love Twiztid and they always sing every last fuckin’ word with them. Twiztid was on point even though it was extra hot on stage. 100 degrees plus I’m guessing. I walked across the stage between sets just once and I almost passed out from the heat. It was hot enough to melt coal. Next up was the clowns. Wow man, tonight was extra crazy.

First of all it was hot as fuck but they get to cool down with Faygo all night. Even so, the Faygo was boiling in the 2 liters! It was like spilling boiling hot water all over the Juggalos. J’s fat ass almost died. He looked like a fat pudgy, funny, sweaty, fat clown. Shaggy dove in the crowd and missed 3 songs I think. Not because the Juggalos wouldn’t let him go, but because he passed out on top of the fire hot Juggalos from the heat. Ninjas were passing out left and right. It was like doing a gig in Hell. Hot as fuck! After the show it took us 3 tubs of ice and 6 fire extinguishers to cool the guys off. It was crazy. All of their show clothes burnt up.

The fans rushed the stage extra tuff tonight. 1000’s of ninjas made it up on stage at the end of the show. They broke and stole all the props. If the show looks like shit tonight, it’s Providence’s fault, not ours. We headed back to the telly, and showered up. Shaggy said goodbye to his Boston hottie and she was out. Then we headed out of town right away because we heard the cops are still looking for people from last night’s war. We headed right the fuck out of dodge. We stopped and ate at a truck stop. These 12 hippie ninjas walked in. They looked just like them fuckin’ hippies we saw in Denver. They walked up to us and asked if we’re going to eat our cheese sticks. Monoxide Child screamed "The fuckin’ lady just brought them out to us! Give us a fuckin’ chance already!"

They sat around and watched us eat. It was funny as hell. One of them was a chick and she looked pretty fuckin’ good if you ask me. Monoxide wanted to kidnap her, give her stankin’ ass a shower, cut her nappy dreaded hair, (including her crab infested neden hair no doubt) and fuck that hoe. To do that, we’d have to kidnap her because I know she ain’t no rap fan. Maybe if ICP & Twiztid grows long ass beards and wears tie die T-shirts, they might have a chance. I’d fuck her just like she was though! Crabs and all! I don’t give a fuck when it comes to ass! I never get none so I ain’t even picky. When we got up and were waiting to pay up at the counter, then 2 fuckin’ scavengers jumped up and ate all our leftovers! No fuckin’ lie!

To be homeless is one thing, but to be homeless because you think it’s cool is just plain lame. Oh well, to each his own I guess. We headed for the bus and we seen another tour bus parked in the parking lot. Tom Dub walked up to them and asked the driver who he’s got inside. He told us it’s the band Incubus. Incubus? Who the fuck – never mind. Dub told the driver to the band "Hi from ICP and Twiztid!" and that was it. We jumped in our bus and headed for New York City. New York is the home of Myzery, but as of right now, he quit rapping and moved in with some chick from Arizona. So that was that. I don’t know why I told you that, but I just figured I’d throw that in. Ninjas all went right to bed after we ate and the scavengers ate.

Everybody was all missing sleep because of the drama last night. J was up late last night in the studio, so everybody just passed out right away. No Colombo, no nothing. Just sleeping pills by the megaton truck load and bunk hibernation. Until tomorrow, I’m that masked ninja telling you and yours to… fuck off, peace and clown love. Oh yea, one more thing, to hear some really funny shit everyday call this number and then press 3. It’s a wrestling hotline out of Detroit and Violent J for some strange reason updates option 3 every day.

He gets on there and act’s a fuckin’ fool. Actually, he just acts himself. Jamie Madrox does it with him. You got to hear it. There’s no extra charge for the call, except for it might be long distance if you live outside of Detroit. The number is (313) 438-1415. Then dial 3. If it’s busy, which it probably will be, then just dial Twiztid’s hotline at (313) 439-2812… then press the star button. Then dial (313) 438-1415 and hit 3. Peace out until tomorrow, I’m out like Chris Farley.

October 23, 2017
10:57 pm
backstabber
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The Good Ol' Days! getclowned

October 23, 2017
11:00 pm
Oolong Johnson
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The Masked Ninja’s Report # 13 - Thursday November 11th 1999. New York, NY.

 

The show that was supposed to be in Brooklyn today was canceled 2 weeks ago. Something about the promoter being a crackhead. Anyway, today was our day off, but it was hardly that. Right when we woke up, we were already late for a photo shoot. We were staying in Jersey about 45 minutes outside of NYC and we were supposed to be in Manhattan by noon. It was already 11:30 by the time we got up. We got ready with the quickness and jumped in the van. J had to take a few panic attack pills this morning because I guess he wasn't feeling right. They had him touched. He was in the van fuckin’ with me when I was trying to sleep. He kept sticking his finger in Monoxide Child’s ear and fuckin’ with him too.

Then he started fuckin’ with the old ass driver guy. J stuck his finger in his ear and the guy got crazy pissed about it. He didn’t think it was funny at all. I thought he was going to pull over and make us all get out and leave us right there on the free way. J was going to do it again about 15 minutes later but everybody grabbed him in time and started giving him a wrestling beat down right there in the van. The old man was pissed as fuck at how wild we were acting. Jamie Madrox jumped off the chair with the super fly splash on J right in the van. It was a crazy drive into town. We finally showed up and the guy wanted to start taking photos right away, but everybody had to fix there make up from the van match they had.

This shoot was for the new AP "Band Of the Year" cover story I told you about yesterday. They did some shots of ICP and Twiztid, standing on top of Faygo bottles with lights shining up under them (you have to see it for it to make sense). Then they did some shots of ICP chilling with a family. It was like a family portrait thing. They had J and Shaggy, Chillin' with a face-painted mom and dad and a young face-painted sister. They did some other shots of ICP’s heads on the dinner table and Twiztid was dressed as the chefs behind them serving up the platter. Lastly they did a few shots of J and Shaggy sitting in bathtubs filled with Faygo. It was cool.

The shitty thing was that the best looking girl took off and left right when we got there. She was a skinny ass blond that looked hot as fuck. Twiztid claims that before she left, she bent over to get something and half her ass fell out of her pants. She wasn’t wearing any panties either! They talked about that ass all day. Shaggy had his eyes on somebody else though. He was checkin’ out the record label lady that was there from Island Records. He’s smarter than that though. He knows that record label people hate ICP. They only have them on the label to snake the loot ICP brings in. Are they fans of ICP though? Fuck no. There ain't one soul at Island/Def Jam that actually listens to ICP or Twiztid, I can guarantee you that.

Every time J or Shaggy tries to step to a record label chick, they get shot down like the Red Baron. Record label chicks ain't about nobody except for skinny, little, art ninjas. They love a guy that wears a tight turtleneck and makes clay molds all day. You know what I mean, one of them modern pansy types that hangs out with a chick for years and never once tries to fuck her. "Oh, hey man, we're just friends." Fuck that shit. If you’re a chick, you ain't my friend until this dick is up in ya. That’s how I feel. After the photo shoot, we jumped back in the van and went to our very favorite restaurant in the world… Virgil’s BBQ on 44th and Broadway in the heart of Times Square.

That place don’t even fuck around. The bitches that work in there usually look super good. Whenever we go there, we always hope they’ll sit us somewhere on the upper level so we can watch the hostess chick’s ass from behind as she walks up the stairs to seat us. On top of that, they have the best fuckin’ food on the planet. I don’t care what you order, its going to be the bomb. You could order breaded, stuffed hog dick and I’ll bet it’s still good. I think even the water has flavor cubes and special sauces in it. It must! How else good it be that good? I don’t know who this Virgil is, but his BBQ gets our props all day long.

It might be Ted DiBiase's old homie Virgil for all we know, but who ever it is, he got that BBQ shit mastered. That shit is good. ICP and Twiztid ended up signing autographs for about a half-hour after we ate, and then we jetted to the Virgin Mega Store right down the street. It’s right across the street from MTV’s building. There’s always thousands of people hanging outside the MTV building in Times Square. There always, hoping to catch a glimpse of N’Sync or Brittney Spears I guess. The Virgin Maga store was off the hook. They had a live Gospel Choir playing inside the store! This big ass store has 3 levels and the group was on the bottom floor. Ninjas were catching the Holy Ghost left and right. I felt like doing a few back flips myself up in that bitch.

I was about to grab Tom Dub and baptize his ass, just ‘cause the music was putting me in the mood. During all the religious hype that was going on, we looked around and started to notice something. We were getting mean mugs left and right. I understood why though. The holy rollers were in here having church, and then we come strolling in, wearing these black ICP jackets with a devilish looking Jake Jeckel on the back. They probably thought we were coming to crash the party, but we were just lookin’ for the new Above The Law CD, that’s all! We ain't trying to kill the fuckin’ party at all. The ninja on stage was sweatin’ and screamin, and sweatin’. He was the shit. He was dancing around, sweatin’ and dancing, and being holy and all that.

The whole choir behind him was getting live as hell too. We sat and watched them for a while, then we decided to jet out. We were in line waiting to buy our shit, and much to our surprise, the register chick was a Juggalette! She was hot as fuck too. She was all up on J. He got her phone number and told her to come to the show tomorrow. She wanted to go, but she needed a ride. So we arranged for our New York driver ninja to go and pick her and her friends up tomorrow at 4:00pm. Then bring them to the gig out in Jersey. I’ll let you know what happens with that shit tomorrow. I’m betting J gets no ass… that’s my guess. After that, it was time to hit the sound studio.

We needed Jamie Madrox to do some last minute dialog for the movie. We met up with John Cafiero, who is the director of Big Money Hustlas, and we followed his car to the studio. When we got there, John started arguing with the studio people. I don’t know what the whole argument was really about, but they were straight up warring with each other. We thought we were going to have to beat somebody down in that bitch. They were fighting about studio time, days off, moving too slow, and all this other stupid shit. We just wanted to cut Jamie’s parts and get the fuck back to the telly. Save this arguing shit for later. It didn’t stop though. It lasted damn near a half-hour. When the argument was finally over, ICP and Twiztid were nowhere to be found.

We looked all over the studio for them, but they were out. They’re still gone right now. I guarantee you, I know what they’ll say when they finally show up...they’ll use that argument for an excuse as to why they jetted out. They’ll say, "Fuck that man, we didn’t come all the way to this studio to listen to them guys fighting and shit! Fuck that." It will work too, because they’re right. That argument was stupid and they shouldn’t of had to hear all that. As for what they ended up doing after they left, I’ll bet I know that too… they went to one of them Asian Sex Houses that are all over New York City. That’s all they’ve been talking about all day. They probably walked out of the studio, jumped in a cab, and hit the sex spot. ICP and Twiztid has no morals.

They’ll fuck a hooker just as quick as a ninja fucks his wife. Every time we hit NYC, they always go to one of them crazy sex spots. Well, when ICP and Twiztid disappeared, there was nothing we could do at that point. So we decided to just do Madrox’s vocals tomorrow and have the van guy drive us home. Nope. Those bastards! ICP and Twiztid took the fuckin’ van and left us stranded! We had to take 2 cabs all the way back to Jersey. It costs us $130 bucks in cab fare. Well, what can you do though? ICP and Twiztid are weird like that. When they want to do something, they just do it. They won’t be told no. To be honest, they probably did the right thing.

I Should of left with them! At Least I’d of had got my dick sucked by a hooker or something! It’s 2:00am and they still ain't back. Me, Dougie Doug, and Tom Dub all got back about 2 hours ago. We ain’t complaining though. We’re all tired right now, so sleepin’ don’t sound that boring to me. I hope the guys are having fun. Shaggy had a lot of money on him today, so I’m sure that they’re more than all right. They’re probably sittin' up with 3 chicks each in some crackhead hooker house like the nasty pigs that they are. You wanted the truth, you got the truth.

I’ll bet that’s where there at. I’ll be back tomorrow with another report. Oh yeah, one more thing. There is a wrestling magazine called "Wrestling Heroes & Villains." It’s got a super cool, 3 page, photo spread on ICP. It’s out on stands right now. It’s the issue with Sid Vicious' face on the cover. Check that shit out for some cool, full color wrestling photos of J and Shaggy. I’ll let you know what happens with J’s chick from Virgin Records tomorrow. Until then, I’m out like the fat guy from the Grateful Dead.

Whoop Whoop Oolong Johnson :

kingshiro
October 25, 2017
1:03 am
Oolong Johnson
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The Masked Ninja’s Report # 14 & 15 - Friday & Saturday November 12th & 13th 1999. -East Brunswick NJ & Hartford CT.

Today sucked as far as I’m concerned. I woke up at about 4:00pm. Shaggy, Tom Dub and Jamie Madrox were already awake. They were in the back of the bus listening to Tom Dub’s crunk music (Southern style rap like Master P, Juvenile, etc.) Violent J, Monoxide and Dougie were all just now waking up at the same time I was. J went right for his Panic Attack pills. To be honest, I don’t think he’s been doing so well in the brain area lately. The area the hotel was in sucked. There was nothing to do unless you had a car. There was no stores or anything within walking distance. We would have at least jumped in a cab and went to a mall or something, but J had that stupid bitch that he met from the record store and her friends coming, so he didn’t want to leave.

We called the limo service and they told us that the car had picked them up and the girls were on their way. They should be pulling up within’ 30 minutes or so. So we just figured we’d hang out at the telly until they show up. There was nowhere to eat except for the hotel’s restaurant and that place sucked. It was a fancy steak house and the whole menu was in French. Dougie and Monoxide both felt like shit so they stayed in the bus and the rest of us went in to eat. The menu had nothing but bullshit on it. No cheeseburgers, no wing dings, no nothing. Nothing but french fruit crab cakes and shit like that. All I wanted was a fuckin’ hot dog or something, but instead I had to get a shrimp and shellfish salmon steak fillet. Everybody’s food sucked.

On top of that, the fuckin’ waiter guy wouldn’t stop hound doggin’ ICP and Jamie Madrox. "I saw you guys on Howard Stern! I saw you guys on Howard Stern!" I Just wanted to tell him "Shut your fuckin’ mouth and bring me my sea shell salad you fuck!" All the sudden Dougie walks in the restaurant and tells J, "Hey your bitch just showed up, she brought 4 chicks and a guy with her". A GUY? A FUCKIN' GUY? WHAT THE FUCK DID SHE BRING A GUY FOR? Why do bitches do that, I’ll never know. Every time you tell a bitch to bring some friends, you better be sure and specify that you mean G-I-R-L-S. Because they’ll bring dudes every fuckin’ time.

I know they really can’t possibly be that stupid can they? Do they actually think that you want them to bring dudes? Can they actually be that fuckin’ stupid? Why the fuck would you want them to bring dudes? What the fuck for? What are we, homos or something? When you meet a bitch somewhere, and you ask her to come hang out with you, does she really think you just want to HANG OUT? What? Go see a hockey game with her? Maybe watch some wrestling? Play some Scrabble perhaps? What the fuck? You might do some of this and that, but bitch, FUCKING is DEFINITELY IN THE PLANS! You want to fuck her right? You might want to hang out too, but you definitely want to fuck her at some point right? That’s what you mean by "lets hang out" right?

Please tell me that bitches know this, because if they don’t, then they’re fuckin’ IDIOTS!!!! What is so hard to understand about this? Boy meets girl, boy and girl fuck. Boy chills with his homies and girl chills with hers. Since when does boy and girl fuck with girl’s homeboys standing around? Get the fuck outta here with that bull shit. Don’t tell me you’re that dumb. Chicks know what the fuck the deal is, they just don’t want to admit it. When you tell her to bring some friends, the "friends" are for your boys to fuck! They can’t actually think you want them to bring dudes for your boys to hang out with, can they? Is that what they actually think you mean by saying, "bring some friends"? I hope not.

Now, even worse is the dude that somehow assumed it was cool for him to tag along! Think about this for a minute… What kind of guy are you, if you hang out with all chicks and you go and see some dudes with them? You are a faggot, that’s what kind. If your friends are all girls, and you go to some guy's hotel with them, than your definitely the same as them… a bitch. You might as well spread your butt open cause you’re a bitch as far as we’re concerned. You might as well open your mouth and swallow these nuts, you faggot. Just trying to imagine what happens on the other side is shocking. Look at this case for example. The girl J met at Virgin Records probably ran home from work and said to all her friends "Hey I met ICP today! They want us to go to there hotel room tomorrow! Yeah can you believe it?

It’s going to be awesome! Now here’s this bitch-ass kid that she hangs out with, sitting there with all these other chicks. As a man, he should have known right away what was going on. He should have said, "Oh, yeah, ICP wants some chicks. What would they want a dude like me there for? I’m staying home and hanging out with my homies. Fuck ICP, I ain't going. You guys go and have fun." Any regular ninja would have clearly realized what was going on and said something just like that. But this faggot kid was clueless. He became a bitch out of nowhere. I’ll bet this is what he said "Aw hell yeah. ICP’s hotel room! That’s going to be awesome! I’m gonna have him sign my ass man! Shaggy’s cute as hell! I wanna fuck Shaggy so bad! I hope he calls me afterwards! You know how those guys in bands are! Oh well, I’m gonna fuck Shaggy so good that he’ll have to call me back!" The next thing you know, he’s sitting in the limo with the 4 other bitches and heading to our hotel room hoping to get fucked.

Amazing. J told Dougie, to have the limo take them to the show and he’ll talk to her afterwards. We all talked and laughed about it for an hour. Then we jumped in the bus and headed to the show. It was almost sold out at 1100 people. I think this is the first show on the tour that wasn't sold out, but ICP has never played New Jersey before. So it will be sold out next time for sure. The Pimps went on before 200 people were even inside. They must have been in a hurry to get the show over with for some reason. They played and were outti. ICP and Twiztid sat in the bus before going on. They were watching a Rage Against the Machine home video. Seeing the crowd on the video was hyping everybody up. Fuck Rage! Psychopathic in this BITCH!! Twiztid went on stage and did their thang.

ICP followed and did their thang. J wore a new show jacket tonight. He’s very, very picky about what he wears on stage. Sometimes jackets are too thin, or too thick, or too hot or cold, or they have too many pockets or whatever. He’s very picky and that’s why the fact that he had a new jacket on tonight was such a big deal. He was jumping around in the dressing room in his new jacket for an hour before going on stage. At the last minute he cut the sleeves off of it. He said it was too heavy with the sleeves on it. Whatever. The stage sucked because it was only about a foot off the ground. So ninjas could barley see the show from the back. But it was OK I guess. After the show, I lined some chicks up and brought them in the bus. Monoxide, J, Shaggy, Dougie Doug, Tom Dub and myself got some skins.

It was the bomb diggity. Not bad for our first time in Jersey. Everybody got some but Jamie Madrox who didn’t seem too interested anyway. I don’t know who got some from the other bus, but I saw Patrick and Rob Tre kickin’ it with some girls after the show. When we all came out of the hotel, there was the limo again. J went up to it and told the girl from Virgin Records to come in the bus. He talked to her and she and her friend ended up coming with us. The other 2 girls and the fuckin’ faggot dude, all left in the limo back to Queens, NY were they were from. J and Dougie Doug were basically chillin’ in the back of the bus with them 2 girls and the rest of us were up front having Wrestlemania. Shaggy busted a whole giant bag of potato chips over my head and they flew out everywhere. Monoxide and Madrox gave Tom Dub a demolition move from the counter and broke his back. I think he was almost crying for real.

Bart pulled the bus over at one point and drop-kicked Jamie Madrox off the couch. It was funny as hell. Jamie’s ass almost fell out again. Hulk Hogan’s wrestling album (a favorite of J and Shaggy's) was blaring on the CD player. It was crazy for about a half-hour, but when Dub almost broke his back, it all slowed down. When it was all finally over, everybody had headaches and we had destroyed the inside of our bus completely. It was OK, but the day basically sucked. The show could have been better and you know. What can you do though right? They all cant be perfect! Until tomorrow, I’m out like Gorilla Monsoon.

 

Saturday Hartford, Connecticut: Home of the WWF I think. When ICP first went to the WWF a year ago, they had to come here to train in a ring at the WWF headquarters. Maybe it was Stamford. I don’t know. Anyhow, last night was wack. Them bitches from New York that J had on the bus weren’t about any skins. Wow man. First they bring a dude, then they come on the road and don’t give up no ass! Amazing. The girls were cool and J was falling in love with that one girl, but they had to go. There's nothing wrong with not giving up any ass, but if you ain't planning on having sex at all, you should be smart enough to stay off a rock band's tour bus right?

I Mean didn’t mama ever teach there daughters that? I always thought it was just common knowledge. Tom Dub woke everybody up at 1:30pm. We had to go to a studio here in Hartford to have Jamie Madrox do some last minute voice-overs for Big Money Hustlas. What unbelievable luck! There’s an Amtrak Train Station right across the street! The first thing J did was slap them 2 lame chicks on a 2:00pm train right back to the big apple. What luck! We didn’t even need a cab to get them to the station. It was right across the fuckin’ street. They didn’t want to go, but everybody hated J’s chick’s friend. She was kind of a bitch. She had an attitude about a lot of shit. She called the girls we had on the bus last night "sluts" because they let us fuck them right then and there.

That really pissed us off. To us, she was a cunt for not letting us hit it! The chicks that let us fuck them are the best! One time a year ago this hot ass chick came on the bus for 2 weeks. She fucked everybody! She cleaned the bus and even cooked for us. Most of all though, she fucked us all! She was the queen of pickle buffs! We liked her so much that J and Shaggy bought her a brand new car! No lie! They got her a 1998 Jetta! We loved that girl. It’s the ones who don’t fuck that piss us off. So this girl was sitting here calling the chicks that were putting out "sluts!" That’s exactly what put her on that 2:00pm train back to New York after just one night. HA! Who’s the slut now, bitch?! We said goodbye to the stale-ass chicks, (well J’s was all right, but some skins for my homie would have been nice) and we jumped in a cab and headed to the studio. This place was weird. It was run by a family.

There was the Mom, the Dad, and the daughter all doing different things at the studio. They even had a fuckin’ little doggy runnin’ around. Jamie Madrox was a little upset because he knew the voice-overs he was doing had mad cussing in them. He didn’t know how good the family studio people were going to take it. Well we had to do what we had to do. They hit record and... BLAM!! FUCK YOU, CUNT, ASSHOLE, PUSSY, FUCKER!!! It don’t stop. After a while the mom and the daughter were out. Only the ruff rugged dad was left in the studio. Even the doggy ran for cover. We finally finished what seemed to be a never-ending on-slot of cuss words from Jamie Madrox, and we were out of that bitch. The studio guy noticed that J’s voice was a little bit horse so he gave J a few Halls drops.

How sweet of him. After standing outside for almost an hour, the cab finally came and got us. We headed right back to the telly. There we walked around the downtown Hartford area for a while. We finally landed at this place called Papa’s. It was a little greasy spoon restaurant. We all ordered and the food had mold and shit on it. It was nasty as fuck. This place fuckin’ sucked and we should have burned it down. The soda was flat, the hot dogs were shriveled, and brown and the hamburgers tasted like they were just meatballs crushed by a truck out back. There was mad crack heads in there too.

They were begging for change and shit. Some were begging for food just like at the truck stop the other night. This one guy asked me "are you gonna eat the mold on that sandwich? Because if not, I wouldn’t mind hollerin’ at it." Everybody was sick and ready to beat the cook’s ass except for Shaggy. He fuckin’ loved it. He always loves places like this. When ever everybody hates a place and thinks the food is terrible, Shaggy always loves it. Even in jail! That mother fucker loves shitty food I guess. If everybody has a great meal somewhere, Shaggy always says, "my food sucked". What the fuck ever, I guess. Back at the telly, it was just about time to head to the show. We listened to some wack ass music, (demos people hand us are rarely any good) and then we headed to the venue.

We drove right threw the line outside and ninjas were trippin’. They were straight up rockin the bus. We were screaming and terrified inside. We thought it was going to flip! Hartford Juggalos have more than tripled in size since the last time we played here. The last show we did here drew 400 people. This time the show was sold out at 1300. It was fresh as hell. We were tripping out in the dressing room before the show. There was this other club attached to the venue and tonight was Goth night. So while all the Juggalos were packed inside the venue waiting for the show to start, ICP and Twiztid were chilling in the empty ass Goth Club right next door. There was vampire weirdo ninjas everywhere. Ninjas with tight leather tube tops on and shit. There was ninjas with Marilyn Manson fishnets on.

There was ninjas spanking each other and there was ICP and Twiztid just watching in awe. Nobody cared ICP and Twiztid were there because everybody just assumed that they were painted up fans who got shut out of the concert. Monoxide was lying on this torture board and Madrox was steady whipping him with a thin leather belt.....now, you know I’m lying right? It was funny and we were having fun just watching all the crazy Goth ninjas. Then the show’s promoter came up to us. It was a chick and she was hot! J wanted to step to her but the chance never came up. Now it was show time. The doors opened up half way threw the Pimps set. They did all right tonight. Rumor has it that The Pimps do the best in merchandise out of any band to ever tour with ICP.

Most opening bands only sell 1 or 2 shirts and maybe 4 or 5 CD’s. The Pimps however do way better than that. So they’re doing all right out here. Twiztid hit the stage. Violent J watched the entire set right from the side of the stage. Nobody could see him from the crowd but he was almost standing on stage with them the whole time. Twiztid fuckin’ rocked that bitch. Tom Dub and Patrick do the Twiztid Serial Killers every night and tonight they made the show look super fresh. Monoxide child took his shirt off and all the bitches screamed. It was funny. By now Shaggy, Dougie Doug and more people were all standing with us watching from the side of the stage. They did super good.

Hartford Juggalos have never had a good look at Twiztid until tonight. They fuckin’ loved it. ICP took the stage. Wow. The first half of the show seemed flawless. After that it got chaotic. J and Shaggy were shooting Faygo bottles off the floor and they were knocking ninjas unconscious. It was wild. It seemed like every bottle had somebody’s name on it. One even hit Monoxide who was standing at the side watching smack dab in the mouth. It was a crazy night. The show was fun and everything went smooth other than the broken faces, snapped ribs, and slammed Juggalos crushed on the barricade. After that it was back to the telly. We then found out that our hotel across from the train station was actually in the middle of a popular night life area and it was Saturday night.

People were walking all around everywhere. It turned into hound dog city. Thousands of hound dogs were mobbing the bus and it seemed like none of them were even at the show. It was stale. Drunken people were everywhere. People wanted autographs, pictures, free shit, and whatever they could get. We finally headed out before we had to hurt somebody. We stopped at a Denny’s about 20 miles down the free way and it was more of the same thing. Tom Dub, Dougie and me had to go inside to get the food while ICP and Twiztid stayed in the bus. We got the food and we headed out with the quickness, we’ve never seen this many ninjas hound dogging! It was crazy! No fuckin’ lie! After we headed back on the road it was about 2:30am. We wanted to stop at a Walmart but it didn’t look good.

For some shitty reason, most of the Walmarts around here all close at 10:00pm. That fuckin’ sucks. We basically headed down the road while ICP and Twiztid all did their weird Dark Carnival shit in the back of the bus. Ghost stories and shit. They sit around and cast spells on people I guess. I don’t know what they do back there on their private meetings, but it ain't for me to know I guess. One by one, ninjas crawled into their bunks and faded out. I’m the last one awake, (Except for the 4 weirdos in the back). Now I’m fading and that can only mean one thing… I’m out. No Colombo, no chicks, no wrestling, no nothing is going on tonight. While the entire world is probably out fuckin’ with hos at parties and doing crazy shit on this Saturday night, The Dark Carnival remains silent in the back of this bus.

Even when I listen at the door, I hear nothing at all. All I see underneath the door is the flickering of candles and ninjas feet. Every once and a while, it gets really cold in this bus when there back there. I’m talking, so cold that you can see your breath. Even in the summer! I’m sure you think I’m lying, but I really don’t even care. Fuck you for all I care. If you were sitting here with me, you’d be saying the same thing and people would be thinking you’re lying too. Mother fucker. As I sit here in the front of this bus typing you this, the only thing I hear is the treads in the road as we head down this freeway. Wait a minute! I hear something else! What’s that? Oh. It’s my bunk calling me. Until tomorrow’s report, I’m the masked ninja, and I’m out like 7 of the 8 Von Erichs.

Oh, by the way, I had forgot to tell you. During that break when I was gone from writing these reports, both Inferno and Rude Boy quit Psychopathic. Inferno’s brother finally asked him to join him in running the family business. That’s something inferno has waited a long time for. I’m not sure what the family business is, but it ain’t none of anyone's fuckin’ business anyway. We love Inferno and we wish him mad good luck out there. The Rude Boy quit as well. Only he quit to resume doing absolutely nothing except sit on his couch, drink beers, and watch wrestling. He sits and lets the child support bills grow and grow and he does nothing about it except crack open another fuckin’ beer. Why he’d walk away from a fun job that pays over a grand a week under the table, we’ll never understand. But who cares why? We love him!

Just the way he is, we fuckin’ love him. Rude Boy has been good friends with J and Shaggy since the 80s. They all grew up together behind Joe Louis and Cobo Arena getting wrestlers autographs week after week. You have to understand, The Rude Boy has always walked out on J and Shaggy at the worst times, ever since they first met. Back when they were kids, they’d plan a trip to see wrestling or something, and Rude Boy would up and disappear at the last minute. He never fails to do it. The worst part about it is, he always comes crawling back. J and Shaggy always take him back too.

Even when it comes to business, J and Shaggy will always hire him back. They have told us that no matter how many times The Rude Boy quits Psychopathic, they will always except him back with open arms. It’s a friendship people may never understand. Rude Boy will always be Psychopathic, like it or not. That’s how we all feel. We love Rude Boy just the way he is, even if most of the time he’s LAME AS FUCK. I know you're reading this Rudy, you bastard. Oh well, I just felt I’d let you know what ever happened to them guys. Well, now you know, so I’m out again. Until tomorrow, peace.

October 26, 2017
12:37 pm
Oolong Johnson
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The Masked Ninja’s Report # 16 - Sunday, Nov. 14th, 1999. Sales Berry Beach, Ma.

We’re in Boston as far as I’m concerned. I ain't never heard of any Sales Berry Steak Massachusetts before. Today, I woke up in complete terror. The first thing I heard was the sound of a thousand screaming little kids right outside my bunk. I’m told this is what happened… Violent J, Dougie, and Tom Dub all woke up before the rest of us did. They walked out of the bus only to realize that the hotel is right in the middle of everything this city has to offer. That also means that Insane Clown Posse’s bus is parked right where everybody can see it. Mad people were all waiting outside the bus. J signed all there autographs and then had all the little kids come inside the bus. He had them all stand right outside Jamie Madrox, Shaggy, and Monoxide’s bunks. Then he had them all stick their heads in and scream for them all to wake up. That has to be the worst thing you can do to somebody.

The kids weren’t even screaming in my bunk and I almost went insane! There was damn near 20 little kids all screaming at the same time. Some had painted faces, some had no idea who they were screaming for, and some even had poopy pants from all the excitement. They were all screaming and they were screaming loud! It was crazy as hell. After that, the guys were all awake and pissed off at J. Tom Dub walked to the restaurant across the street to get everybody food. ICP and Twiztid were all trapped inside the bus. By now there was even more ninjas outside waiting in their cars with cameras and everything. We were all just sitting around inside the bus listening to Mix-A-Lot’s old school album "Seminar." We liked that album back in the day, but it sucks now. It started raining outside.

It was boring, slow, lame and stale. Monoxide, Dougie Doug and Tom Dub eventually ended up sitting in the hotel rooms watching football all day. Shaggy sat in the back of the bus working on beats with his drum machine. J, Madrox and myself just sat in the front of the bus watching WrestleMania 2. It was pretty boring and stale. Shaggy’s Boston chick showed up again and she was chilling with him in the back of the bus. Me, J and Dougie Doug stole the keys to her car and drove around Sales Berry for a while. There was really nowhere to go and nothing to do though, so that was short lived. One funny thing did happen though. First, let me tell you about "The Dick." The Dick, is a plastic dick, squirt gun thing that we bought at a porn shop in Spokane Washington. You squeeze it by the nuts and water squirts out of the dick hole. Everybody is always schooling each other with "The Dick."

People stick it in each other’s bunks when they’re sleeping and things like that. Now, Violent J is always pulling his ass out on everybody. He pulls it out all day, every day. He moons the other ninjas in the bus at least 10 times a day each. So, earlier this afternoon, J had his ass out and he was dancing around like an idiot when Jamie Madrox suddenly grabbed "The Dick." J was jumping around schooling everybody with his ass and Madrox stuck "The Dick" between J’s butt cheeks. It was funny. J jumped about 7 feet off the ground. J turned around and punched Jamie smack dead in the mouth and another bus war began. Shaggy joined in the fight by jumping on J’s back and choking him out. Then Dougie jumped off the counter and stabbed Madrox and J with his pointy ass knees. Finally everybody was beaten and tired. Soon after that, the day resumed to its original state… lame and boring. Finally it was show time. Thank God. We drove to the venue, which was only about 10 minutes away.

The show was and has been sold out for days at 1000 ninjas. The security guys told us that Sales Berry is actually over an hour away from Boston. So most of these Juggalos have never seen ICP or Twiztid live before. This shit will be fun no doubt. The stage was tiny and it was only 2 feet above the crowd. It looked a lot like the place they played in Jersey a few days ago; small and shitty. When we pulled up, The Pimps were already on stage. They rocked the house like they do every night. Twiztid was up next. We still had about 45 minutes before they go on. We pulled these two girls into our bus from the line outside. At first, they were both screaming that they wanted to fuck any one of us. Once they came inside the bus though, one of them chickened out. The other girl still wanted to fuck people, but she was a virgin. We all just said, "fuck it then", and sent them out on there way.

Nobody in our crew likes to get with virgins for 2 main reasons… No 1. We don’t want the girl to always have to remember a scrub like us as the first guy she ever fucked. That’s just wack. Think about that for a minute... Every time she thinks about her sex life, she has to realize that the first guy she ever fucked was a roadie or some guy in a band who was only in town for one night. That’s not really the big reason why we don’t fuck virgins though. The bigger reason is reason No 2. Virgins don’t know shit about fucking yet. Virgins always suck in the sack. It ain't even worth you droppin’ your Fubu’s over. They just scream in pain the whole time your trying to bust a nut. Give me a slut over a virgin any day. Twiztid took to the stage and slaughtered the fine people of Sales Berry Steak. They stole the soles of all 1000 Juggalos that were in attendance. Every ninja in the house got their wigs pushed back by Twiztid’s devastating set tonight. The bass was thumping unusually hard in this tiny club.

I think the shape of the venue made it bump harder! It was like holding a live rap show inside of a giant kicker box. BOOOOOOOM!!!! BOOOOOOOOOM!!! Ninja, whut! It was time to send in the clowns. J and Shaggy were ampt. They took to the stage in a psychopathic frenzy. Juggalos were completely crushed up against the stage. There was no barricade holding people back. Ninjas were steady passing out. J and Shaggy were just plain having fun up there tonight. They were fuckin’ around; dancing like fools and changing up the lyrics and shit. It was funny as fuck. I Love shows like tonight’s. It’s kind of like, laid back insanity. Everybody was just up there having fun. Tonight there was no stress except for the crushed lungs and snapped ribs of the Juggalos up front. It was crazy as fuck. To me, tonight was one of the funniest on the tour so far. Afterwards, we were all drying off and Dougie brought these 3 fine ass bitches into the bus. We didn’t waste any time at all.

Right away we straight up gave them an alternative… either fuck or bounce. "Fuck or bounce!" "Fuck or bounce!" Everybody broke into the chant. "Fuck or bounce." The bitches were just sitting there dumb founded as we all chanted that in their faces. They didn’t know what to do. They all felt stupid. Finally we told them to make their decision OUTSIDE of the bus and kicked them off while they were thinking about it. They never came back. Damn. Who gives a fuck though, right? PSYCHOPATHIC IN THIS BITCH! We headed back to the hotel. It was there at the telly that crazy drama inseud. These 2 bitches were waiting outside the hotel just chillin'. Both of them were big ICP and Twiztid fans and they were both hot as fuck. One of them said she was 18 and one said she was 19.

They both said they wanted to fuck. Monoxide Child and J jumped all over this. They took the 2 hotties up stairs to the rooms. First they all just talked for 2 hours or so, watching TV and shit. Then they split up into 2 rooms. J’s bitch all the sudden decided that she didn’t want to have sex or do anything with his ugly ass. J was sad. Then he told his bitch to stay in the room so Monoxide could at least still get his groove on with her friend. She agreed not to cock block Pauly. Then the sad and sexless Violent J took off and headed for the bus. Monoxide was still chillin' in his room with his bitch. All the sudden, 3 cops cars came pulling up with the quickness. They came to our bus and told us that we’re all going to jail. Everybody was stunned. The cops informed us that the chicks we’re with are underage. One of their dads found out she was up here with us and he’s pressing charges if we touched her.

Both of them are only 15 years old! THEM BITCHES!!!! THEM SCANTLESS LYING BITCHES!!!!! The cops asked what room they were in and we had to tell them something. We pulled a random room number out of our ass and they headed for it. Then Billy Bill with the quickness grabbed his cell phone and called the hotel. He quickly asked the lady to transfer him to room 409. That’s wear Monoxide was with the 15-year-old lying slut. J grabbed the phone from Billy Bill and waited for Pauly to pick it up. As soon as he did, J screamed "Get off that bitch! She’s only 15 and the cops are headed for your room right now"! Well, to our incredible luck, Monoxide had not done a fuckin’ thing with her… yet.

Thank God all day and all night for that shit. He was INNOCENT!!! He never even kissed that young, lil' bitch! For once we’re actually clean! Seconds later, the Cops were banging on his door, and Mono opened it up and said, "Come on in homies, ‘cause I didn’t do a FUCKIN’ THANG with this bitch! WHOOO!". The funniest part is the bitches ended up getting arrested for breaking curfew! Ha! We skated out of town free of all charges and rightfully so. For once ladies and gentlemen, we actually WERE innocent. Thank God again. Well that was it. We headed out of Sales Berry Steak, leaving behind us all the drama and one great ass show. We were all hungry as fuck but nothing seemed to be open. For some reason, ninjas were extra sleepy tonight. As we traveled down the freeway looking for a place to eat, one by one, ninjas dipped off into their bunks and passed out. Our driver Bart eventually found a lame ass 24hr.

Truck stop restaurant and everybody woke back up to get our grub on. The people working there told us that we just missed the group TLC by 10 minutes. That fuckin’ sucks. I wouldn’t of minded banging them 3 bitches at the same time. Oh well, maybe we’ll cross paths again some time down the road, or maybe I shouldn’t go chasing waterfalls. Get it? I made a funny! We ate our food, jetted out and quickly slid back into our bunks like a dick slides into a neden. Snug and tight. I fell asleep so fast that I think my body is still back there at the truck stop eating! The day has officially ended for all of us. I have some bad news. I’m sorry but you get the bone. I have to fly home and leave the tour for the next 3 days. I must attend a funeral with my family. So that means I won’t be able to give you any reports again until this Thursday. Then I’ll be back with the flavor. Until then, I’m out like Mankind’s tooth when he fell threw the cage. Peace.

October 26, 2017
12:48 pm
Oolong Johnson
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The Masked Ninja’s Report # 17 - Thursday, Nov. 18th, 1999. Winston Salem, NC.

 

I came back and got schooled today. I had been at home for the last 3 days attending a funeral. I got on the airplane this morning and took it to Charlotte, NC. From there, I took a limo to Winston-Salem. I walked in the bus and everybody was just sitting around chillin'. I went to put my bag in my bunk and that’s when I got schooled. I pulled open my curtain and my bunk was packed top to bottom with faggot shit. There was dildos, gay porn mags, blow-up men, a giant blown up dick, anal lube, and all kind of homo shit. I guess everybody went to a porno shop last night and spent a good $300 on making me feel stupid. There was even a picture of a man’s ass taped over my little TV screen.

Ha. Ha. It was rally fuckin’ funny. I ain't even close to being gay, but it seems they wish I was. Everyone also has been hooking the bus up with Christmas shit lately. There’s fake snow all over the windows and all that. Christmas lights, Santa dolls and shit. People have been doing really good at them $1.00 claw machines in Denny’s lately, so there’s an extra amount of cheap stuffed animals laying around the bus too. I got into town kind of late, so right when I got there it was almost time to head to the show. We decided to go eat first. There really wasn't shit around the hotel. There’s a Pizza hut, an IHOP, and a restaurant called Cactus Jack’s. (If I were Cactus Jack, I’d sue them or something.) We chose to eat at the Pizza Hut because they always have a jukebox We sat down and J ran up to the jukebox.

Soon after that, an assortment of Pearl Jam, Prince and Janet Jackson songs came on low over the shitty speakers. You can’t blame him for his selections; jukeboxes at Pizza Hut never have much to choose from. Shit got a little crazy during our meal. For some reason or other, Shaggy was trippin’. He started a small war with Jamie Madrox over nothing. First, for no apparent reason, he poured some Pepsi all on Jamie’s pizza. Everybody laughed. Then Jamie threw a pepperoni at Shaggy and it somehow stuck on his face. Everybody was laughing harder at that, and that pissed Shaggy off. So then Shaggy started throwing whole pizza slices at Jamie who eventually ran out of the building to escape. He had pizza chunks all over him.

Then Shaggy took the half-full picture of soda and chased him out into the parking lot with it. Jamie was running so fast, his pants fell down. Shaggy whipped the soda at his bare ass but missed him all together. It was mad fuckin’ funny. When Shaggy came back in, he got yelled at by a pizza hut guy. We laughed especially hard at that. Watching Shaggy 2 Dope getting yelled at by a grown man that works at Pizza Hut was funny as hell. Shaggy was just standing there with his head down like a stupid little kid. I prayed the guy would shut up because I knew any second he would cross the line with Shaggy, and luckily he didn’t. He only bitched for a second. It was funny. After our lame meal, it was finally time to jet to the club. It was sold out at 900 Juggalos.

The venue looked like it should only hold 500 at the most. I’ll bet if a fire chief walked in, he’d shit his britches. This place was seriously over packed. To the point of serious danger. Ninjas were in there straight up suffocating. It was insane. The Pimps were on stage when we pulled up. The venue’s dressing room was tore up and unusable. We had to stay in the bus and once again use that as our dressing room. Twiztid was late getting on stage because Jamie Madrox fell asleep in his bunk and nobody had woke him up yet. Finally Monoxide grabbed "The Dick" and started sticking it in Jamie's face. Madrox woke up with the quickness. The Dick ain't no joke. Twiztid hit the stage and freaked that shit. This stage was only a foot off the ground once again, but they didn’t care.

They schooled the crowd. The Twiztid Serial Killers were crunk as fuck behind them and all and all the show was tight as fuck. Who really made the show hype though was the Juggalos. They were extra hype tonight. Most bands skip right over cities like this, but we don’t. Not on this tour we don’t. We play everywhere, and the Juggalos appreciate that shit. That’s why they get extra hype for us! This is both ICP and Twiztid’s first time playing Winston Salem, NC. This city is only 20 minutes from Greensboro but they ain't never played there either. It’s a good thing this is a small venue tour, because ICP & Twiztid couldn’t fill anything else but a small venue in these cities.

Some of these shows on this tour, like tonight’s barley even sell out. Tonight’s show finally sold out only 10 minutes before Twiztid went on. We’re playing in towns that nobody dares to go. That’s because we’re on a Juggalo hunt. Even if there’s only 2 Juggalos living in your town, we’ll be there to play for them. That’s the bottom line. No matter how small or unheard of your town is, if it’s Juggalos there, we’ll be there. Yeah bitch. It don’t stop either. This tour has no ending in sight. It lasts all the way until April when we go to Japan and Australia for 3 weeks. Then we come back and finish playing the US. Including the cities that "no band has ever gone before." ICP took to the stage like 2 acrobatic retards. The speaker stacks were waving like 2 giant towers on both sides of the stage.

Ninjas were dying left and right. About 50 people fell right on their heads in the front. There was only 2 security guys trying to catch all the crowd surfers who were all surfing over the barricade. It was straight up raining ninjas. Skulls were cracking left and right. Ninjas ribs were snapping. People were way in the back playing pinball. Support beams were cracking on the ceiling. The floor was giving way and ninjas were falling into the basement. It was pure insanity. By the end of the show, everything was all fucked up. Nothing made any sense. The 900 Juggalos were on stage rapping, Shaggy was in the back playing pinball, Twiztid was in the club kitchen fixing everybody fruit smoothies and Violent J was selling T-shirts for The Pimps. It was like a crazy tornado whipped everybody off course.

It was a great show. Luckily, we all made it back into our mobile dressing room alive and well. Bart was sitting in the drivers seat and ready to jet. We didn’t try and get any chicks after the show, because we knew that they were all laid up in the local hospitals. The show was that crazy. We just left straight for the telly. On the way back to the telly, Dougie Doug noticed that Jamie Madrox’s nipples were hard. I thought only chick’s nipples got hard. Why was Jamie’s nipples hard? Were they hard? I didn’t even want to look. Wait a minute, even if they were hard, what the hell was Dougie Doug doing looking at Jamie’s nipples anyway? Maybe Dougie should of had the homo shit in his bunk.

We showered up and left the telly with the quickness. Nobody really got to finish their Pizza Hut when Shaggy started trippin', so ninjas was extra hungry. Plus we’re all extra exited because were in North Carolina and that means one thing... WAFFLE HOUSE! Where my homies eatin’ at? WAFFLE HOUSE!!! WAFFLE HOUSE!!! Where my homies eatin’ at? WAFFLE HOUSE!!! WAFFLE HOUSE!!!

See, whenever we’re down south, there is plenty of our favorite food… Waffle House! They are hard to find up North and out West, but down here, there are millions of little yellows! Every where you look! We fuckin’ love eating at Waffle House. The hash browns are good as fuck with cheese on them. The eggs and bacon and all that shit is extra good and tasty to a Juggalo. You might look around you and see nothing but big, burly, red neck, truck drivers and shit, but that’s OK. Just ignore your surroundings and enjoy the food. Fuck you if you disagree, I fuckin’ love Waffle House, and that’s the bottom line. We finally found one about 20 minutes outside of town.

We ate and that was that. Violent J left right in the middle of his meal and jetted into his bunk. Maybe he was having a panic attack or something. Who knows? The rest of us enjoyed all our absolutely delicious food and had a wonderful Waffle House meal. They even gave us the meal free because one of the cooks was a Juggalo. It was the bomb. After that, we headed out to Charlotte. It was a short drive but nobody stayed awake for it. Everybody was sleeping an hour down the road anyway. I fuckin’ miss watching Colombo video’s every night. See the problem is we can’t find any more Colombo videos that we haven’t seen yet. If you find any out there, send us some or something. Well that was it for today. Nothing really interesting happened today. I’ll be back tomorrow for another report. Peace. Until tomorrow, I’m out like D.O.C.’s voice box.

October 26, 2017
12:53 pm
Oolong Johnson
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The Masked Ninja’s Report # 18, 19, & 20 - Fri., Sat., & Sun., Nov. 19th, 20th, 21st, 1999. - Charlotte NC, Spartanburg SC, & Carbouro NC, - Friday – Charlotte, NC.

 

Today’s report is going to suck, but there’s nothing I can do about it. I was sick as fuck. I had the flu. I could barley move at all so I just stayed in the bus, and tried to sleep all day. All I can tell you is that the show wasn’t sold out. There was only about 800 ninjas there and the place holds 1200. Once again though, ICP and Twiztid ain’t very popular in the Carolinas. ICP played Charlotte once before on the "House Of Horrors Tour" in 97, and then they only drew 600 people. At least they did 200 more than last time. I know that the guys went to a mall today and I heard they got mobbed like never before. That’s really funny though, because ICP ain’t shit here, yet at the mall everybody and their mama wanted autographs. I’m also told they went to a Chi Chi’s restaurant and met some drama I guess. To be honest, I really don’t know what happened. I heard that Shaggy and Violent J broke out in a little wrestling match at Chi Chi’s. They always start wrestling out of nowhere.

Well I heard they accidentally knocked over a salad bar thing and an off duty cop kicked happened to see it. I guess he kicked them all out for it. Once they left the restaurant, I heard that Jamie Madrox pulled his pants down and stuck his ass on the glass for everybody inside to see. The off duty cop surpassingly didn’t do anything about it though. Wow. Maybe he was busy throwing up like everybody else probably was. I know I would, if I saw Jamie Madrox’s ass pressed up against the glass. I almost throw up just seeing it pressed up against his pants! I heard the show was fresh, but who knows? I was so fucked up and sick in the bus, I didn’t even get to see it. I was asleep the whole time. I’m really sorry you guys, but I’m too dead to report anything else. Violent J and Shaggy always keep this bus so fuckin’ cold inside you wouldn’t believe it.

They like it so cold that you can see your breath sometimes. I don’t know why. They keep it like a morgue in this bitch! Sleeping in here is like sleeping on top of an ice block and covering up with a wet frozen blanket. They like it like that though. What can you do? They’re dead right? Spirits like it cold I guess. Before I wrap today’s report up, I’ll try to think at least of 3 interesting things that I know did happen today... After the show tonight, we stopped at another Wallmart. J, Madrox, and Shaggy all spent $70 bucks on one of them claw machines and they didn’t win a single thing. You get 2 tries for a dollar, so that means they fucked up and missed 140 times. Amazing. If I would have been there, I know I’d at least have won something off 140 tries, but they just plain fuckin’ suck I guess.

Now for some weird shit. The Dark Carnival magically took a big ass marker and made it right the word "Pendulum" across the TV screen in the bus. I’m guessing this happened sometime when we were all asleep last night. We finally noticed it this after noon when everybody woke up. This type of thing happens all the time around J and Shaggy. Next week, ICP is going to fly home and make a song called Pendulum, because they claim that was the calling or it.

That’s just one of the many ways the Dark Carnival communicates with J and Shaggy I guess. I’m sure you think I’m lying, and if you do, I’m sure you can suck my nuts. I don’t care what you think. The last thing I can remember that happened during my sleepy ass day was this; Tom Dub brought these 2 Chicks into the bus after the show. I could hear them talking from my bunk. They were talking to J and Twiztid. Shaggy was in the back working on beats. One of the chicks asked J "So like, why do you guys dress up like kiss? Is that you’re favorite band or something?" Them bitches got thrown off the bus so fast, I thought they went out the window. They got called every name in the book. How did those bitches get in the bus anyway? Sometimes hot bitches get in the bus just because they look good, but if they ain’t Juggalos, they always get kicked right the fuck off. That’s it yall. It’s damn near 6 in the morning. I’m so sick, that I can’t even think. So hopefully tomorrow, I’ll be back. Until then, I’m out like Magic Johnson will be in 3 or 4 years.

Peace. Saturday – Spartanburg, SC Sorry ninjas. I’m way worse today than I was yesterday. I must have something worse than the flu. I know I do. I think the Grim Reaper is riding on my shoulders right now. He’s probably got his dick in my butt; I’m that close to death. I’m sorry ninjas but I missed the whole day. The bus is like an arctic cave or something. It feels great outside, but in this bus, it’s like a frozen tomb. Why ICP and Twiztid like it like that, I’ll never understand. They just don’t like heat for some stupid reason. I had to go to my hotel room and I stay there all day. That was the only way I could survive my illness. I watched nothing but bullshit TV all day as I dipped in and out of consciousness. All I can do is give you the facts that I could gather up from Tom Dub. The show was sold out at 1200.

He told me it was crazy because at the end of the show, when all the Juggalos came up, the entire stage floor collapsed in. Hundreds of Juggalos as well as Twiztid’s Monoxide Child all fell in through the big caved in hole. It took 15 minutes to pull everybody out. Monoxide was crushed underneath millions of Juggalos. He was OK and there was only a few minor injuries. Nobody got seriously hurt though. That’s just the kind of shit that happens at ICP shows. You have to expect it when the carnivals in town. If you plan on seeing ICP in concert, don’t expect to see anything like a Sugar Ray show baby. You can only expect pure pandemonium! I just with I was there to witness it though. I was too fuckin’ sick and laid up at the telly all day to witness anything except Bewitched and Jerry Springer re-runs all day. They all came back to the telly with mad hoes.

When I say "they," I mean Tom Dub and Dougie Doug. It was another weirdo night for ICP and Twiztid. They were all in the back of the bus doing things only a wizard or a warlock would probably understand. I wandered into the bus and into my ice-cold bunk for yet another hell night of aches and pains and sleepy sleeplessness. I wish I had more news for you, but I don’t. Unless you want to hear about the greenish yellow shit I’ve been blowing out of my nose all day. However, once again, I’ll tell you 3 things that I do know happened today at least. I’m told Violent J fucked 2 bitches at the same time before the show. Both of them looked like gothic Marilyn Manson bitches but they were hot. He was only in there with them for 5 or 6 minutes, which is typical for J. Tom Dub and Dougie beat some kid’s ass on stage.

I guess the kid tried to steal one of the clown masks from them at the end of the show. The kid ended up getting stomped my Dub and Dougie, and then about 300 other Juggalos ended up jumping in and helping stomp the poor dick head. Shaggy and J both requested a new bus today. Even though, this bus is all painted up with fire and the Jeckel Brothers and all that. They want a new bus because they’ve been riding this bus sense March of 99. That’s like 8 fuckin’ months of sitting in the same tiny room. So the new bus is going to be top of the line. It’s called a Prevost 99, H-3. It’s the best, most expensive, greatest bus they make. It will be solid black with nothing but a red hatchet man on the side. ICP’s manager Alex Abbiss completely hates every minute of the new decision, but I guess J and Shaggy are just spoiled little richies now.

I don’t blame them though. I’d do the same. Riding in the same bus can make you crazy after a few months. Just look at the individuals in this bus! Right now ICP and Twiztid are talking to spirits in the back. Go figure. Well that’s all that I could gather or today, because as you know, death is calling me. My lungs hold less and less air with every breath and Monoxide Child’s smoking steals what little air I have left. If, I’m still alive tomorrow I’ll be back. Until then, I’m the Masked Ninja and I’m out like The Iron Sheik’s knees.

Sunday – Carboro, NC. Go ahead and shoot me in the face. Because today I ain’t got nothing to report at all. I Woke up and took a cab to the hospital. They did everything from juggle my balls to stick a thermometer in my anus. I have an Ammonia. However, I’m getting better. I know you don’t care about me and my well being, all you want to hear about is back stage information. Well house this for some backstage flavor, over the last three days all I’ve been able to shit has been soup. OK? There, fuck you. What am I supposed to do? Drag ICP and Twiztid into the hospital with me so I can watch what they do and take notes! Get off my back already. I’m dying over here.

Well at least I’m getting better. When I got back from the hospital, everybody was already gone to the show. Judging by the condoms, joint roaches and pizza boxes left in the room, I’m guessing they must have went somewhere and hooked up with some bitches before the show. When they got back from the show, my cold medicine had me out for the count in my bunk. All that I know is that everybody got into another fight tonight with some hound dogs after the show. I’m told they beat the shit out of some kid that tried to break into the bus when everybody was in still the dressing room. They came out and caught the kid half way through the back window. I’m told the kid got his ass beat into particles and thrown in a dumpster. I don’t blame the guys at all.

Fuck that, you try to steal our shit, you’ll get that ass BEAT. After that, the cops were on the hunt at the venue. So right when our bus got back to the telly, our crew homies called us and told us we had better jet right out of state. No showers, no neden, no food, no nothing. Bart had to up and punch it until we crossed the state line. As soon as we crossed into Virginia, we finally stopped. Everybody ate but me. All I could eat was cold medicine. I was out for the night. I Really am sorry but I don’t know anything more than that. Here, I’ll try and think of at least 3 more interesting things that happened today. The Pimps played their last show of the tour tonight. Psychopathic felt it was way better to keep it just ICP and Twiztid. This is a small venues tour so we don’t really need any support groups anyway. We just like keeping the show simple and Psychopathic.

Just ICP and Twiztid. Small venue, small crowd, and small line up. So The Pimps are out I guess. I’ll miss those guys because they’re all cool as fuck. If you saw any of their shows, than you all ready know that there shit is dope. Get their record when it comes out. ICP and Twiztid recommend that shit to the fullest. Unless you only like shitty music, if that’s that case, than get Eminem’s latest shit. Also, if that’s the case, get the fuck off our web site. Check out the Pimps at http://www.pimps.org as soon as you can, because they got big things headed for them. Tom Dub is leaving our bus. He’s wants to make the switch to the other bus. He loves everybody here, but he just wants to do some tuff load in work for a while so he can get some more exercise.

He has a match coming up against King Kong Bundy you know. For more info on that go to http://www.juggalowrestling.com . Taking his place will be none other than PICKEL! Pickle is a ninja. He’s our homie from Louisville. He has spent the last 4 months with the Psychopathic road crew handing out samplers and stickers and shit from coast to coast. Well, now he’s coming on this bus with us. When he gets here tomorrow, he’ll have to meet, the infamous "Dick." Pickle is a die hard Juggalo. He loves ICP and Twiztid. In fact, that’s how he got this job. You can read more about that coming up in AP’s big year-end issue with ICP on the cover. It should hit stands in late December or January. These two fake ass hound dogs were banging on the bus at 9:00 in the morning and Tom Dub chased them off. If he would have caught them, they would have been dead, I can guarantee you that. We hate that morning shit. I Know that’s not very interesting, but that’s all I have. I’m slowly but surly feeling better now, so my update for tomorrow should be way better. Until then, I’m out like the hair on top of Hulk Hogan’s head.

October 26, 2017
10:04 pm
backstabber
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1999 was a great time to be a Juggalo! 

October 26, 2017
11:29 pm
Oolong Johnson
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The Masked Ninja’s Report - Monday Nov. 22nd , 1999. - Virginia Beach, VA.

 

Today I woke up feeling like a million bucks… right after somebody chewed it up and shit it out. At least I’m feeling better than I did yesterday. My flu is slowly but surly going away. The first thing I heard this morning was Tom Dub’s cell phone ringing. It was Alex Abbiss, asking for J. Alex is ICP and Twiztid’s manager. I woke J up and he rolled over and fell right out of his bunk. That’s a 4-foot drop. It was just like when J and Shaggy pulled Jamie Madrox out of his bunk. Only this time, J did it to himself. He landed right on his face. He didn’t say a word. He just lifted an arm up for me to hand him the phone. Alex told him that ICP is headed back to WCW.

Alex met one on one with the new, head booker of WCW, Vince Russo. They talked about the problems and what went wrong last time and how they could make everything work. Somehow, they settled it all. J and Shaggy will start back again with WCW in two weeks. That’s all we know right now. Will they be with Vampiro again? Will they be against Vampiro this time? Who the fuck knows. At least maybe J will finally get to live his dream out of fuckin’ that one Nitro girl with the short hair. ICP returning to WCW is also good news considering that’s the only way anybody ever gets to see ICP on TV. After J talked with Big Al Dirty, we were all just sitting around in the bus eating Fruity Pebbles.

All the sudden, Pickle walked in! He finally showed up. Pickle is the ninja that I told you about yesterday. It’s always good to see Pickle. Seconds after he showed up, we introduced him to the infamous "Dick." He didn’t like the "Dick" at all. Nobody on either bus like’s the "Dick." That’s what makes the "Dick" so great! Sticking the "Dick" in peoples faces is an overwhelming joy for all of us, but having the "Dick" stuck in your face, fuckin’ sucks. SIDE NOTE: If you just started reading these reports, and you’re not familiar with the "Dick," let me tell you what the "Dick" is once again… We bought it at a porn shop a long time ago just as a joke. It was a squirt gun, and when you squeeze the nuts, water or what ever you put in it, would squirt out of the dick hole. Ninjas would always squirt each other with it to piss each other off. Well one day Jamie Madrox got too pissed and he smashed it up.

So before long, we went to another porn shop and we got a new "Dick." The new "Dick" ain’t a squirt gun, but it’s still the bomb. It’s just a big, fat, heavy, black, rubber "Dick." It’s nasty, disgusting, and perfect to waggle in ninja's faces when they’re sleeping or whatever. So whenever you’re reading these reports and I mention the "Dick," now you know exactly what I’m referring to. Other names for the "Dick" are as follows… THAT BLACK DOG, BIG DOGGY DOG, DANG OL’ DOG, BIG RUFUS, CHOCOLATE THUNDER, THICK RICK, BIG BLACK, BIG SWANG, THE REGULATOR, BIG HEAVY, etc. After saying hello to Pickle and shoving the "Dick" in his face, J, Billy Bill, and myself all jumped in a cab and went to rent a car. We have today off, and we needed a car to get around in. Tomorrow we play a sold out show here in Virginia Beach, but today we’re just chillin’ like Blow Pops. It seemed like the whole city was going crazy that ICP is in town.

The show was all over the local news stations. They were saying that the show should be banned. ICP was being played all over the radio too! That’s super rare. We never hear ICP on the radio, yet here in Virginia Beach they were on 3 different stations! One station was playing "Chicken Huntin," another station was playing "Another Love Song" and the 3rd station was playing "Play With Me." It was wild as fuck. We rented a mini van, and we basically just drove around town to check it out. It was extra foggy today and that kind of sucked. There really wasn’t much of anything to see or do. When we finally got back to the telly, Dougie Doug gave us some good news… The guy that owns the bus company that we get our tour buses from surprisingly hooked us up!

His name is Mike and he’s our homie! Well today, he sent J and Shaggy 2 fresh ass, Electric Scooters! They’re the shit. Mike remembered how much ICP liked the scooters that they were riding around backstage at Woodstock, so he just decided to hook them up and buy them some! Mike is super cool for that. J and Shaggy jumped right on them things. These scooters don’t use gas; they run on big batteries. They can go up to about 20 miles per hour. J and Shaggy were riding them all threw the hotel hallways and the counter lady was steady bitching at them but they gave no fuck. It was funny. We all took turns. Everybody just kept riding all throughout the lobby, the restaurant, the halls and even around the pool. The lady just kept bitching and screaming but she went unheard.

Fuck that lady. What the fuck was she bitching for anyway? She saw people having fun so she just had to bitch about it. I Hate people like that. Just think about that. Just cause we’re having some fun this lady has to sit there and bitch about it. Fuck that. We weren’t hurting anybody. Fuck that bitch ass ho. Finally the scooters needed to be recharged, so we took a break. We went to an Outback Steak House to eat. J fell in love with the waitress bitch immediately. He kept fuckin’ with her the whole time we were there. She wasn't having his game at all. You could tell she hated us all. She was some richie bitch who probably dates ninjas who look like Buff Bagwell.

J even called her from our table on a cell phone and she hung up on him. She probably had somebody piss in our fuckin’ food or something. She was a bitch. I’m telling you, sometimes I feel like this whole world is way too fuckin’ uptight about shit. Back at the telly, we all sat around hanging out for a while and then Dougie Doug and Shaggy took off with these two bitches they knew from when we last played Virginia Beach. I guess they went to a bar or something. Jamie Madrox, Monoxide Child, and Tom Dub just walked around the foggy ass parking lot smoking pounds and pounds of weed. J also took off with some other bitch that he knew from before. I guess they went to a haunted house. She kept telling him she knew of a house that was really haunted so J wanted to go and see it.

J claims that he knows ghosts and he claims to be able to talk with them. Twiztid is the same way. So J went off ghost busting with his ugly chick. Pickle, Billy Bill, and me just hung out and watched WCW Nitro. It was the bomb on Nitro because mad ninjas we’re holding up giant ICP signs right in the camera! It’s always mad fresh to see that. There’s nothing we love more than seeing fat ass ICP signs at wrestling. It was about 2:30 in the morning, when Shaggy and Dougie Doug got back. They were both drunk as hell and they still had their 2 bitches with them. We all hung out in the bus for a while. Shaggy's bitch talked just like Rocky Balboa. I hated her for some reason.

She was always like "Hey yo, Shaggy". I hated that bitch. I Wanted to punch her like Ivan Drago punched Rocky in Rocky 4. Dougie Doug’s bitch was stale too. She was a drunken slut. He hated her. He suddenly out of nowhere told her to get the fuck off the bus! It was funny to me. She walked off crying. Shaggy ended up taking both the hoes upstairs and he ended up fucking them both at the same time. The hoes were freaking on each other all night, so he knew it was going down. Shaggy ended his night with a good old 3-way dance. Dougie ended his day with a mean mug in his bunk. J finally came back and joined the rest of us in watching the late replay of WCW Nitro.

I don’t think he saw any ghost at the so-called "haunted house," because if he did, that would have been the first thing he told us about. I don’t think he fucked his bitch either, because he would have told us about that too. Before long Twiztid and everybody else was all back in the bus for the night too. Tim showed up to do a little late night hanging out as well. Tim is one of our truck drivers and he’s a good homie of ours. He’s also a championship kick boxer and he could kick your ass if he wanted too. He has a big fight coming up in Chicago, and we’re all going to be their cheering him on. He’s going to wear Psychopathic colors to the ring and all that.

He’s the bomb. After just sitting around talking for a while, everybody finally went off to sleep. I dashed into my bunk like a roach into a hole in the wall, and was out for the night. Pickle was the last one awake. He gently stuck the "Dick" in Jamie Madrox’s bunk and laid it across his chest and then went to bed himself. The day was over. That’s it y'all, sorry it was kind of a slow day. One more thing I forgot to tell you is that the Rude Boy is coming back! He’ll be re-joining the crew on Friday. I told you he’d be back. He always comes back, no matter what. Now for some bad news, I won’t be back on here with a report for tomorrow because I’m taking the day off. I’ll be back Wednesday though. I Just need a break for one day. All right, until tomorrow, I’m out like Suge Knight for 9 years.

October 26, 2017
11:31 pm
Oolong Johnson
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backstabber said
1999 was a great time to be a Juggalo!   

Yep. Especially since Jeckel Bros. is by far ICP's greatest album.

Whoop Whoop Oolong Johnson :

backstabber
October 27, 2017
12:31 am
Oolong Johnson
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The Masked ninja's Report - Sunday Nov 29th 1999 Ft. Myers, FL.

I'm back up in this bitch. I took a few days of again for 2 different reasons. The first reason is because J needed to use my laptop to write you that long ass "To Those That Call Themselves Juggalos" thing. He told me it took him a few extra days to word it all the way he wanted. The second reason is because I just got lazy again. I can do that you know, until I start getting paid for this shit, I'll take as many fuckin' days off as I want. Never the less I'm back now so lets get to the flavor. Today was an extra crazy day. First I have to mention that the Rude Boy is back! That's right. He got here a few days ago. He's back with the crew just like I told you all he would be. He's the mother fuckin' original Rude Boy. Like it or not, he'll always be back. We ain't never been to Ft. Myers before, so we were all pretty excited about it. When I woke up, we were parked at the telly. It was about 3:00 P.M.

Dougie and Rude Boy were both sitting up front watching some "House of Horrors Tour" home videos that we made a long time ago. We had to hurry up and get to the venue because J and Shaggy had an interview to do for a big, Florida magazine. I woke them up and this is what happened... J hopped right out of his bunk, took a piss, threw on his mask and then jumped right out on his scooter and started riding it around the parking lot. He fuckin' loves that thing. He looks like a big, goofy retard on it. Shaggy rolled out of his bunk and headed right to the back of the bus and started working on his beats again. He's been doing that a lot lately. He's got a mini studio going on back there. I think he's working on his new solo shit that they've been talking about. It ain't really going to be a SOLO project, but it will be called a Shaggy 2 Dope album. Both J and Shaggy have vowed to never make music without each other's help. They are the absolute best of homies, on and off the records. Then I woke Twiztid up.

Right when they woke up Jamie Madrox started bitching about shit. Sometimes he just starts bitchin' about nothing. J cam back in the bus and heard Madrox bitching. J pulled out the legendary "Dick" (The Rubber Dick mentioned in previous issue of The Masked Ninja Report) all of Jamie's complaining suddenly stopped. Nobody want to act like a dick, when the "That Dog" is around. You'll be quick to get it waggled all up in your face. Whoever is in a crabby mood, usually gets "The Dick" put to 'em. Sometimes we grab whoever is acting salty, hold him down, and we poke it all up their butt. (Not literally in the butt, we keep their pants on, of course... You know what I mean). Finally everybody was awake and steady fuckin' up the Fruity Pebbles. I had 3 bowls myself. I would have mad more, but we ran out of milk.

After we ate, we were all ready to go. We took off for the venue. As soon as we pulled up, J and Shaggy stayed in the bus and did their interview. For once the reporters were actual Juggalos! It was some guy and his wife, and they were both cool as fuck. They both were big fans of Twiztid and ICP. J and Shaggy did the interview and really spilled their guts on this one. If these interviewers hadn't been Juggalos, I can guarantee you that they would have been treated like shit. Every reporter usually does when they're interviewing ICP and Twiztid. Why? I'll tell you why... because 99% of all articles written about ICP and Twiztid are dissing on them. In this case though, the reports got much love from the clowns, because they were Juggalo family. After the interview and photo shoot, we all headed up to the dressing room for some grub.

We originally were supposed to have this day off, but at the last minute this radio station from Ft. Myers called and begged ICP to play this gig. They offered ICP $30,000 to do the show on just a weeks notice. Tickets were only on sale for 6 days! This radio station didn't even really have time to promote this show. The whole thing made no sense to us. There was no way the station could make any money off of this. We didn't understand why then even wanted this show to happen, but then ICP's manager Alex Abbiss explained it all to us. This is the REAL reason why this show happened... It was a big tax write off for the radio station. They knew they'd lose money on this show, but it didn't matter to them. They needed to spend some cash for end of the year taxes. For this station to pay ICP $30,000 to come in and play here on 6 days notice was ridiculous on their part, but they had to do it for their tax books.

They used ICP and ICP didn't mind. Shit, I can think of 30,000 reasons why ICP shouldn't mind, right? Fuck man, for $30,000 bucks, I'd fuck a chicken on stage! You could show it on Pay Per View even, I don't give a fuck! For $30,000 bucks I'd go on tour fuckin' Chickens! When you really look at it, ICP got lucky. This station originally had asked Everlast to do the show, but he was booked somewhere else. Then they tried for the Def Tones, then Powerman 5000, and everybody else. ICP was probably the last band on their list, but they were the only band that was free to do it! Psychopathic got lucky as hell with this suprise gig. We get all that loot, plus the 300 or so Juggalos that live around here can finally see ICP play live! So J and Shaggy really did it for 3 things... the loot, the Juggalos... and the loot. Fuck everything and everybody else. By the way... I think I forgot to tell you guys this, but we threw the Pimps off the tour.

We had too. They were good people and all that, but this whole tour was originally set up for just ICP and Twiztid. The stages are small, the clubs are small, this whole tour is just a Psychopathic thing. Another band just didn't fit the bill, no matter who they are. We had no choice bit to give them the boot. They were cool about it. I think I might have already told you that in my last report. I can't remember if I did or not. If I didn't tell you, now you know. If I did already tell you, then let me tell you something else... Fuck off. How's that? Anyway, just when we kicked the Pimps off our tour, this radio station puts some other band on the show to open the show. I have no clue who they were. We didn't even see them. We never even met them. They could have been 5 naked chicks playing bongos for all we know.

There was about 700 people in the crowd. It turned out that about 300 of them were Juggalos, the rest were just there to stand around like mannequins. The show was set up outside in the parking lot of some club. Get this; ICP and Twiztid's dressing room was inside of a strip mall behind the club. It was fuckin' crazy. The whole fuckin' set up was crazy. Why didn't they just have the show inside the club? Why the fuck did they have everything set up in the parking lot? You could see a McDonald's, a 7-11 and cars driving by while you're on stage! It was like having a concert in the parking lot of a Walmart or something. Ninjas were walking around with shopping carts and shit. After their interview and photo shoot, J, and Shaggy just spent the rest of their time riding their electric scooters all throughout this empty strip mall dressing room. Twiztid stayed in the bus and just chilled all day.

Nobody really wanted to do the show because the whole parking lot set up was so lame. We wanted to just say "fuck the show" and skip town, but 30,000 motivational magnets kept us around. Finally it was show time. That mysterious band that nobody knew went on stage and started playing. Nobody in the crowd cared. They just stood there. The whole audience looked like a bunch of cactus standing in the desert. They were all frozen in time. It was like somebody had pressed a giant pause button on the crowd. They just stood there in rows like a Russian army. They were so quiet, I didn't know if this was church or a concert. It felt like we were in a giant bingo hall and that band was on stage calling out the numbers.... only nobody was winning. For a second there, I thought the crowd might even be fake; Maybe the whole crowd was really just a giant painting set up in front of the stage to fool us.

I prayed that one of them band members didn't try to stage dive into the crowd, or he might had just slammed into a painted wall or something. It was Twiztid's turn to perform in front of this graveyard crowd. They took to the stage as hype as they always do but the crowd was lame as fuck. There was only about 300 hyped Juggalos, but the other 400 people were just sitting there like dead fish washed up on a beach. The 300 real ninjas made it hype enough though. Twiztid started dissing the rest of the crowd. They even pointed to all the dead fucks and said: "Everybody standing over there can fuck off!" It was wild. If them 300 Juggalos weren't as hype as they were, I know Twiztid would have walked right off stage and told the whole crowd to eat a dick. They've done that before a few times in Europe. Anyway, Twiztid was rocking it as much as they could when suddenly the police showed up.

They told the club to pull the plug and stop the show immediately. The cops said that they received over 100 phone calls from local residents complaining about the noise and the cussing. ICP heard this and quickly ran out on stage to join Twiztid. If this was going to be the end of the whole show, they at least wanted to do something on stage! They finished the set with Twiztid, and the 300 Juggalos went crazy. The other 400 people just continued standing still doing their best totem poll impressions. After that, Billy Bill and the show promoter met with the cops and tried to talk them into letting ICP do their set. Finally they worked out a deal. The cops would let the show continue on, if we turned the volume down and if ICP doesn't cuss at all on stage. (Now... if you for one minute think ICP could ever do a show without cussing, then I got some land you might be interested in).

We agreed, but obviously the cops had no fuckin' idea what the hell they were talking about. ICP not swearing? Get real. That's like asking Yokozuna not to be fat for a day... That's like asking the Pope to hit a joint with you... That's like asking Michael Jackson not to fondle little kid's nut bags anymore. It's fuckin' impossible. Billy Bill told the fuzz everything they wanted to hear just so the show could go on. We knew the show would get stopped at some point, we just didn't know when. ICP took to the stage at the same volume as Twiztid if not louder. Our sound man Rob Tre cranked that shit up so loud, Martians were break dancing on Pluto. Of course J and Shaggy didn't censor a single word either. They even added some cussing! They were like: "Who the fucks going' Chicken Huntin'!" The crowd was like "We's goin' fuckin' chicken huntin'" Everybody cussed their asses off.

Ninjas were swearing left and right. ICP, Twiztid, and the 300 Juggalos, the 400 deadbeat robots, everybody! The Goodyear blimp even floated by and flashed "Fuck You Bitches" on it. The swearing was out of control. Even the cars driving by were honking cuss words! Billy Bill stalled the cops as long as he could, but finally they pulled the plug during "Fuck the World". ICP only lasted about 25 minutes up there before the show was stopped, but none the less, they had a blast. The crowd quickly broke out with the "Fuck The Police" chant. J, Shaggy, Twiztid, and everybody else stayed up on stage with no music, and kicked all the remaining Faygos out into the crowd. There was about 15 of us, all kicking 100's of Faygos off the stage at the same time. It was crazy as hell.

The frozen wax people finally moved; they ran for cover! The Juggalos in the crowd continued chanting shit, long after the show was stopped. They chanted everything from "ICP! ICP! ICP!" to "Faygo! Faygo!" to "Goldberg! Goldberg!" Some local news crews even showed up because nobody would go home. More and more cops kept showing up as well. It was getting dangerous. At this point, ICP and Twiztid were back at the hotel watching this all on the news. The best part of the night came after the show when this news lady was standing there talking into the camera with a bunch of screaming Juggalos behind her. Patrick and Dougie Doug crept up and sprayed her with Faygo! That shit was the bomb diggity. The whole night turned out way better for ICP and Twiztid than ever expected.

All the news and hype gave them way more exposure in this town than they ever could have asked for. I'm glad ICP decided to take this gig at the last minute, because it turned out crazy as hell! At the hotel, this bitch from way, way back in the day showed up. J met her from 2 years ago in Cleveland. He ain't seen her sense then. I guess she had moved here to Ft. Myers. She was fine as fuck. I can't lie, this bitch is hot as hell, but that's the only thing she's got going for her, because she's got a shitty ass attitude. Listen to this... after the show, she was in the hotel room with us just chilling. Everything was fine and dandy. All of the sudden she went to go get something from her car. On her way out the door she said to J "I'll be back in a minute sweetie," Rude Boy just jokingly said "I'll be waiting baby."

She turned and looked at Rude Boy dead serious and said, "Sorry, but I wasn't talking to you. You're not important enough." The whole room exploded. Ninjas all wanted to kill that bitch! She got pushed out the door within one second after her remark. We grabbed her purse, dumped it out, and whipped it down the hallway at her. Everybody was screaming "Bitch! Get the fuck outta here!" Ninjas were even spitting on her. If it was legal, I know I would have knocked that bitch out myself. People can get killed for saying shit like that to Psychopathic crew members. ICP and Twiztid truly realize that without the people that work behind the scenes, they'd be nothing. We all work as a machine, together. The Psychopathic motto is, and always will be, that nobody is more important than anybody else in this company.

The T-shirt guy is just as important as the rappers. We've always lived by that rule.We've even had to fire people for jocking the rappers too much. We're all equal here at Psychopathic and that's law in our camp. That bitch ran out of the hotel and jumped into her car screaming and crying. Good. I hope she crashed and died on the way home, dumb skank. Where's your heart or even your brain at, to say something like that? Fuck that ho. We all showered up and jetted out. Dougie Doug had these 2 fine ass bitches with him. I can't lie at all; his bitch was super hot. I wanted to peel off her tight, shiny pants and do a triple indy flip headfirst into her muff. But that's Dougie's girl for the night I guess, so I'll just have to stick with Thumbina and her 4 friends. We stopped at another good ol' WH for some late night snacks. Jamie Madrox is starting to hate Waffle House.

He's out of luck though, because everybody else fuckin' loves that shit. We stop here every night when down south, but I already told you that before. I'd tell you to fuck off, but I already told you that too! Hmm. How about I tell you this: eat a dick with some Waffle House hash browns. I'll bet nobody's ever said that to you before. We ate and went straight to sleep. While I was sleeping, we dropped Shaggy and Jamie Madrox off at the Airport in Tampa. They're both flying back to Detroit for the next 2 days. The rest of us decided to stay. There's nothing at home for me anyway. My Report is over... I'll be back tomorrow. We're headed to Atlanta GA. We have the next 2 days off so who knows what we'll get into. Until tomorrow, I'm out like Kurt Cobain's lower chin. Peace.

October 28, 2017
12:51 am
Oolong Johnson
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The Masked Ninja's Report - Atlanta, GA. November 30th, 1999.

 

Don't think you're about to read an exciting report folks, because today fuckin' sucked. We all woke up at around 2:00 PM. The bus seemed empty. Jamie Madrox and Shaggy were gone. We dropped them off at the airport, late last night. Pickle also flew home to take care of some personal shit. He left 2 days ago. They'll all be back tomorrow. As for Tom Dub, he switched buses and now he rides on the crew bus. So all that was around today was Monoxide Child, Rude Boy, Violent J, Dougie Doug, and me. 5 ninjas stuck in Atlanta without a damn thing to do. The hotel sucked. It was in the middle of nowhere. The rooms sucked and all the hotel employees were steady hound doggin' us.

Not one of them had ever even heard and ICP or Twiztid song in their entire lives, yet they still wanted everything from their aprons to their mops autographed. After about an hour of that bullshit, we called for a cab van to take us to the mall. It took the cab forever to finally show up. Then the fuckin' snake ass driver took us way the fuck out of our way to get there. He ran the meter up to $24 bucks. It should have only cost like $3 bucks because when we finally got to the mall, we noticed that out hotel was only 2 blocks away. That bastard jacked us. That fuckin' sucked because the snake wouldn't even let us smoke in the cab. Monoxide was shaking and twitching without his quarter hour nicotine fix. We should have beaten that bitch ass cabby when we had our chance.

We walked around the shitty mall until we had to finally leave. We got hound dogged right out of the fuckin' building. None of the hounds were real fans either. J would sign an autograph, and the kid would say "thanks Shaggy". Nobody knew ICP and Twiztid for shit. These idiots thought Monoxide was Violent J, I was Shaggy, J was our bodyguard and Dougie and Rude Boy were Twiztid. It was all fucked up. I don't think we even met one real Juggalo at all today. We finally got the fuck out of the mall and away from all the butt sniffers. After that, we ate at this shitty ass restaurant. The food sucked. The pop was even flat. Even the water tasted shitty. Everything that could have sucked sucked. The fuckin' ice cubes were warm and the food was frozen.

Everything they served fuckin' sucked. Even the waitress was ugly. Her ass looked like a crushed pumpkin. The whole meal sucked from top to bottom. We might as well have had a bowl of shit with a tall glass of Mark Henry's bath water, that's about how much the food sucked. We finally went back to the shitty hotel. There we just say around and watched WCW Monday Nitro, and it sucked too. That was the worst Nitro we have ever fuckin' seen. Other than seeing all the ICP signs in the crowd, the show completely sucked. I could barely stand watching it. It was like staring at somebody's butt hole for 3 hours. After Nitro, we sat in the bus and listened to the new Kurrupt album. Half of it was OK, but the other half sucked. It was the same thing with Dr. Dre's new shit.

Everything we played sucked. It was so boring, that we started on the sleeping pills early. They sucked too, they had us all feeling shitty. At about 2:00 AM, Bart jumped behind the wheel and started heading to Tennessee. We stopped at a shitty ass truck stop to eat again. Once again the food... Yup, you guessed it. It sucked. We played a few video games but every game they had sucked. We all spent a good $20 bucks on the stuffed animal claw machine and nobody won a single fuckin' thing. That was it. We got back in the bus and dove into our bunks. There, we all waited for sleep to kick in and end this shitty ass day for good. The bottom line is this... the whole fuckin' day sucked from dawn till dusk, and back to dawn. What else can I say?

It was just on of them days I guess. Everyday can't be the bomb. Some bombs are just duds and that's the way it is. Even writing this report sucked. it just reminded me of how shitty this whole day was. I couldn't think of anything fresh to tell you about this shitty day. I could lie and tell you that we all met fine ass bitches, and they cooked us steak dinners and then fucked us all night, but nope. The only bitch I met today was some Pumpkin Ass from that shitty restaurant. Hey, forget about it. Tomorrows a brand new day. Until then, I'm out like Bel Biv Devoe. Peace. Look at that... even my ending joke sucked.

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